My mind is sort of whirling back inside itself, doing the absolutely absurd, in giving thoughts to the whores, who honestly do not deserve one more second in my mind, and yet there they are mocking me. I want to send them each a short, but horrible few sentence letter in case they do not understand what kind of person they are. Then I think, “As if they don’t already know since they have to wake up with themselves each day and the fact they were being used by The Player over several years, both in flirting and fucking.” Then I stop with that foolishness of them being a thought in my head because they aren’t really worth the effort and cost of a stamp.
That is what we in This Fucked Up Infidelity World call, Stopping Intrusive Thoughts.
Thankfully, The Player’s emotions have finally stabilized. A conscious doctor and new medicine to help and he said he’s the most balanced he’s been in a few years. The highs aren’t high and the lows aren’t too low and he feels like he can cope better with life and with therapy and group and 12-step and his sobriety as he figures out what makes him, him.
The latest round of limbo we’re in has him pretty worried, I guess and rightly so. I think he is starting to feel my ambivalence to him and to our life together. I could take The Player or leave The Player and today, I am partial to leaving The Player, except the children. The children are partial to him in the home. The same children who do not deserve for their world to be blown to smithereens, the very same children who are secure in their family and the love that we have for them and each other. So I dream about leaving this life where I look at The Player and wonder what the fuck kind of person is he and is it even possible I look at him with reasonable notions again? Like respect and honor and sweet love again? I feel like leaving would give me relief but I know my pain would follow me wherever I go and would then follow my children and why should they have to drag that very heavy baggage behind? I know I would be pulling the pain behind me, so I might as well work through my own issues and pain while the kids are secure.
While things may be ambivalent, they are not hostile at all. We are pleasant and affectionate. I am currently telling him I want to reconcile, or rather that is the goal of mine. Do I want to reconcile, really? How about we save that Q & A for later. Remind me another day, when I don’t look at him and wonder, “How I am going to ever look at him again and feel love and security? How am I going to think warmly of him?”
How will I ever look at him and think, “He is my home.”? The answer is that I will probably not ever look at him and think that, even if we successfully reconcile because I know that I will never be that vulnerable with him again. I will always be my home, he can visit, but it is me, who is worthy of me.
True reconciliation, not the one year of my life – of lies that resulted in more pain for me and “processing” for him. Such ridiculous bullshit, that year of pain, my eyes are rolling while I type this and The Player isn’t even here to see my eyes roll for effect, which does at least defeat some of the purpose. I have been wondering if this limbo will lead to a softening of my heart to him because my love and compassion for him is shaky. Is that normal? Is that how it should be to be living with someone who has betrayed your trust for 20 years? Or it is ambivalent. Resigned.
Exactly how long can a person like me last where I am in this limbo? Hypothetically speaking, of course.