Not him, surprisingly. It was me. I had a fucking relapse. The Player got me into a quick discussion about us. He’s so smooth it just sort of “happened.”
Shit. I guess one relapse isn’t too bad. Unless it’s to fuck someone else I suppose.
I had a discussion with a betrayed wife my counselor set me up with because I wanted to talk with someone who stayed in a marriage after years of hidden behaviors. It was good for me. Really, really good. She confirmed a lot for me about where I was in the process and I feel validated.
It’s been hard for me to locate betrayed spouses with two decades of hidden affairs who had marriages that worked. I’m finding out that it is due in a large part to the unwillingness for some people to do some shitty, hard work for years, not weeks or months. I can see why they cut bait and run. I honestly think The Player is doing all he can manage. Unfortunately, it’s not enough for me.
I’d explained to her my new-found detaching and the few events which led me to this phase. First, the overall feeling he isn’t doing what we agreed on, second, the fucking trip where he failed miserably to do what was agreed on and expected and third, his explanation that he wasn’t sure he was a “sex addict” and therefore wasn’t working the steps/program. She and I agreed, he’s doing enough for himself to get by with me and I explained about how he said he’s at “capacity,” I was fearful there wasn’t anymore for him to give. He’s not exactly a deep person or self-reflective, so this therapy and introspective plan is a huge leap for him. While I believe he is sincere in that he wants to do the work, I’m not sure he has it in him, you know what I mean?
The Player was curious. That’s how the conversation started. “So, how did it go? Do you feel better?” I told him yes, I did because I had one light bulb moment. I explained she made me cry in one part of the conversation and it was about the fucking trip and his miserable lack of contact. I told her about all the triggers I had around the trip about him, me, time of year, anniversaries of happy events and anniversaries of sad events. I told her we discussed his contact level. I went on to tell him she said, “It sounds like he really abandoned you when you needed him to show up the most.”
BAM! Tears flowed.
She’d hit it. I didn’t understand why until she said it exactly that way. It’s why that trip was such a pivotal point for me in determining what my next step was because I knew I didn’t want to go on like that, fuck that bullshit.
Two points The Player made about our current situation. One: he said he never told me he didn’t want to work the program, just that he was working the first step slow. What the fuck did you say? On more than one occasion I told him I wasn’t happy that we’d agreed he would do a 12-step program and he wasn’t following through. Not once did he mention he was working the first step slow.
Two: regarding the trip, he got a little agitated and irritated when I brought up the contact on the phone’s observation of his abandonment. He actually got defensive, AGAIN with all the “I’m doing all I can” bullshit, even though I and his/our counselor said he was being defensive about it, he went through the many reasons trying to create legitimacy of why he failed to do his part. It felt like is was just another “it was beyond my control” conversation. Again. Mutherfucker, you’re going to pull that shit again?
I said “Wait. What one goddamn mutherfucking minute. I am tired of you defending your non-action on that fucking trip.” I started crying. He tried to interrupt me a few times during my final words. “Let me finish and quit interrupting me!” I went on to say, “You know what would have been great on any number of the fucking times you’ve explained defensively might I add, why you didn’t do well with connection on that trip? YOU WANT TO KNOW? I would have liked you to sincerely say, “Listen sweetie, I’m so sorry I hurt you. I failed during that trip and I know it. I know you needed more connection from me, I did and when I didn’t do that, I should have been sensitive to how horrible that made you feel and I just wasn’t. I hate that I created this situation for you and for the pain when I travel. On this particular trip especially, I didn’t make you feel better and I’m so, so very sorry.”
That would have been nice on any of the given 10 times he was defensive during his long explanations of why he couldn’t/didn’t reach out to me on that trip.
He said, “I’m sorry. I get it now.”
I said, “I’m done with this conversation.” and I walked away.