“I know you have no reason to believe what I am going to say to you. I am a changed man. I want you and our life, this life. I will never risk it again. I know what caused me to do it and I don’t want that life. I hope one day you can start to see changes in me and I can begin to earn trust back little by little.”
The Player said those words to me before his last business trip. Of course, he then got on a plane and returned to the scene of the many crimes. I’m thrilled to report that I am not traumatized by it this time. This is probably the first time I’m not really triggered by a trip to the scene of the Triple Fs: fratinizing, flirting and fucking. Maybe there was a twinge of something, It provoked some thoughts but I didn’t go down the bad road and stay there. Sure, I’d rather he didn’t travel but all of the things I’ve done to help myself have made his traveling tolerable.
I think all the help has helped. I’m doing very well with my life, my circumstances.
When I found out that he wasn’t who he proclaimed to be and we were still “working on it” and then really working on it several months later, I lost all of the joy of his traveling. I’ve recently found it again. I think it sits along side my strength, resolve, independence and resilience. It probably is surrounded by a good heaping dose of I’ll-Survive-Whatever-The-Fuck-Happens resolve, too.
When we had that conversation about him traveling and he was – it seemed anyway – sincerely pouring his heart out to me, I briefly had a thought about me and us. I thought, “Am I just pretending along here, with him?” Since my goal was to keep the family together and peaceful and happy, I reasoned that I could have moved myself right into a State of Peace with it all. Maybe that peace just involves me piling on a big shovel of acceptance with a side of whatever.
I said, “If you can stay the course, I think we can rebuild a decent life together. I think we can even be happy again. I do have to be honest, I’m not sure I’ll ever give you the inner sweet part of me again, you know, that blind trust. I’m different now, I won’t ever be that person again. I am not sure I’ll ever be able to be that vulnerable with you. I just know myself and while I think we can be happy, there’s a part of me you probably won’t ever reach again.”
He said he understood that, if a little sad at the time. He said something about how he believes that me even thinking of a future together makes me vulnerable. I ended with something, “No, the difference is, I know I can’t control you, I know what you’re capable of, but I also know I’ll never be that shocked again, no matter what you do. I’ll survive it, and I’d venture to say, I’d even thrive.” I continued, “You got all my shock for a lifetime. I have none left.”
Then I fucked him. Because we still do that well. I don’t think he’s stupid enough to think that raw sex makes me vulnerable. Or maybe he does. I guess that’s his problem, right?