About

Married for almost two decades to a man who professed to be an honorable man, who was really just a broken liar, I’m the wife who was faithful, kind, supportive and sexual. Not wanting to give up the good wife and children, the good marriage and the persona but who needed more attention than one woman could provide, he spent almost twenty years flirting to fill a need and in turn he collected a posse of willing admirers and vaginas. To look at the many women, with the exception of one fake-looking stripper type, they weren’t much to look at, so it clearly wasn’t about finding (free) whores who were attractive and had open vaginas. Apparently it was just about finding willing, adoring (free) whores. The kind of willing pussy that admired my husband. The liar. The cheater. But a charming one, I’ll give him that.

The cheating for him wasn’t even about the sex, oddly enough. It didn’t hurt that he could have the sex if he wanted it. When he quit trying to have sex with them, he still found a way to keep them adoring him. For very nearly the entire marriage he had some of these women “friends” who became affair partners and he kept them around. For him, it was more about the fact that he had this posse to make him feel charming, attractive, funny and desired.

If he can’t be more than what they know him to be, they can fucking have him.

In case you are wondering. I know this wasn’t about what was lacking in me, it was what was lacking in him. Which might also potentially be a lack of character and morals.

Some say he’s a “Sex Addict” but I’m not sure I agree that there is such a thing, honestly. Could it be lack of morals, no conscience, or a compulsion towards this behavior? Whatever it is, he really fucked me over and I had no idea. He certainly did play me.

15 thoughts on “About

  1. Ha!!!!!! You could be writing about my husband here. Even when my H’s physical affairs ended and the women looked elsewhere he still texted them all. Last count over the last 10 Years he had 40 women friends that he texted emailed lunched and had coffee with. He needed to feel liked he says. he needed attention. Mine had morals but they were overshadowed by his selfish desire to feel wanted and be attractive to females. He has been like this all his life and has cheated on me for 30 years of our 31 yr marriage. The last year he has been behaving. It is most likely an issue he had when he was younger at uni and he looked about 10 yrs of age. He is quite short and found it hard to get girlfriends but as he got older it became easier and he could sweet talk and sad lonely bitch into his web.
    Sux that they made these decisions.

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  2. There are a few around but they are not as common as the single affair type.
    My H goes to see an IC who does not like to label people but sometimes it is like we need to be able to attach a label to our partners to be able to understand and identify. My H was so pleased with himself when the IC said he was not a sex addict. Not really pleased, maybe relieved. I guess he ticks a few of the boxes but maybe not the important ones. Same goes for narcissism. He has some mighty unpleasant traits. Add to that the emotional maturity of a gnat mixed with selfish self centered qualities and there you have a man who thought his needs would be satisfied by having women pay him attention.
    He is quite an intelligent man but so stupid emotionally.
    I was quite interested to read about your detachment. Are you following any guidelines? I know a lot of BS use the 180 method. I think I need to become more detached. So far I have just detached myself in a very small way in that I no longer view his adultery being the result of my being a bad wife. I do know that to be true as his adultery is based on nothing but his own choices. I will try and read what I can find about healthy detachment but if you have some good sites I would like some advice please.
    Hugs
    Xxxx

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    • I really connected with a book called Your Sexually Addicted Spouse – Hoe Partners Cope and Heal. Even if your H isn’t an SA you will probably get something out of it just for the trauma information on what we’ve been through. There’s a great chapter on detachement. I personally don’t connect with the codependent model of SA. I connect with the My Husband Fucked Me Over model and I’m traumatized.

      Detachment for me is a little less than the 180 because my husband is doing a lot. The detachement is just for me. I was too entangled in what he was doing and wasn’t focused enough on ME. People like our Hs are selfish assholes and I was tired of all of the energy and focus on him. So I put my attention back on who matters: Me.

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  3. Cheater Fantasy and I are very well acquainted with each other, so I am definitely not trying to be combative here, but I just have to say that being diagnosed as a sex addict is not a bad thing. It is a good thing, if they are one. They have already participated in the confusingly shitty behavior, so no one is being let off the hook. Being diagnosed as a sex addict helps them better define who and what they are and helps provide resources for true recovery, not just white knuckling behavior that has become so ingrained that they feel like they can just muscle their way through habits and behaviors they have been participating in for years, sometimes decades. My husband cheated with actual other women for 15 years of our 25 year marriage, but he has been a sex addict since he was a child. I have written about how I found it difficult to accept or even believe in the sex addict diagnosis, how sex addiction is very misrepresented in the media, and then, as I learned more and as my husband has been in recovery, I have written about how important that diagnosis is. It is a life line. I haven’t read through but a couple entires on your blog, so I don’t know your whole story, but I do know how difficult it is to be the wife a cheater, and the wife of a sex addict. I have read numerous blogs about how the men were so happy to NOT be diagnosed as a sex addict. I am somewhat confused by this. If they are not a sex addict, then what are they? What is the reason they would cheat for 10, 20, 30 years and multiple times and or all the time? Loose morals or bad judgement or low self esteem don’t really seem like diagnoses? We all need to be better in touch with our emotions and practice self awareness and self care, but cheating for decades versus a one time thing just seems a lot more overwhelming to conquer and they need all the resources they can find.

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    • Oh please! I do NOT take your comment at all as combative, I only take it as intended. I know we all have different perspectives on what this all is and I always appreciate thoughtful discussions even if we don’t agree!

      I think for me I struggle with it because for The Player anyway, he knew it to be wrong, never tried to stop, would have been happy to always do the behaviors AND stay in a loving marriage with me. It may be he is a “sex addict” but it may also be that he feels entitled and does not think the rules apply to him – since he was the loving, devoted husband who did husbandly and fatherly things very well. “What’s a little stress reducer on the side,” he thought.

      You said if we can’t call him a sex addict, what can we call him? I believe we are what we do and so he is a cheater and a liar. There are a ton of reasons cheaters cheat and it’s up to them to figure it out and people like me to figure out if it’s worth the risk to stay or worth the possible potential authentic person to stay. I don’t know yet. I agree loose morals, bad judgement or low self esteem aren’t diagnoses but who said the behavior of cheating needs a diagnosis? Someone can still do all of those things and change their behavior, dig deep for clarity, fix what is broken and do it all without a 12 step program. They can also use what works for them in a 12 step program (like our therapist says, SAA is for sex addicts and assholes.” Both of those groups can benefit. I guess what I’m saying is without a diagnosis there still are resources for people who want them.

      I’m saying all of this and you should know that part of the arrangement of him staying in the home during this (maybe hopefully) transformation is for him to be working a 12 step program because the CSAT thinks he IS one and could benefit from it.

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      • I was thinking more on the lines that if Cheater Fantasy came back and read through the comments she might think I was being combative, but that was not my intent.

        Just curious, have you read the book “Don’t Call It Love… ” by Patrick Carnes? Reading that book helped me understand sex addiction (even though parts of it are outdated and I totally for me disregard all the co-dependent stuff, which is antiquated). I am so thankful I read it early on. My husband purchased it along with a bunch of other materials and I picked it up and read it. He was kind of pissed off about it actually even though he was reading two or three other books and I flew through it before he would have even opened the cover. I do think sex addicts have all kinds of pathologies and belief systems and habits that go way back. My husband’s happen to include anger, resentment and entitlement issues. So yes, somehow because of what he dealt with and what he was doing with his life (namely rising to the top of his industry, running multiple companies and then finally the CEO of his own company) he was able to rationalize and compartmentalize his behavior. Basically, the addiction compelled him to act out in a sexual way as a coping mechanism that he had been secretly practicing since adolescence. His habits were set before he met me and nothing I said or did was going to change that. The only thing that is helping in his recovery is his 12 step group and to a lesser degree his regular therapy appointments and it is slow going. I don’t even know the difference between SAA and SA because I am not a sex addict and do not go to meetings or concern myself with that, I am busy enough working on myself, but my husband is in an SA group where they all respect each other and understand each other. I am not sure about the “… addicts and assholes” comment by the therapist? If a person is merely an asshole, I do not think a 12 step group would help them one iota, but that is my opinion, of course. Not sure anything helps an asshole. I dated a few way back when.

        I know anger and disbelief and lack of hope in the future are all natural and part of the trauma and fallout from their lifestyle, believe me, I know, but I personally think that 12 step may be the only way my husband comes out of this thing “recovered” with our marriage in tact, and 15 months ago, if you had asked me about 12 step, I would have laughed in your face. I thought I knew what it was all about and I didn’t really care for the whole thing, but I can admit, I was totally wrong.

        I am slowly making my way through your blog. A lot of it is so sadly familiar to me.

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  4. You nailed the OW I got involved with. She played me. She does the same. She needs the attention. She cannot be without it. Good luck on making your marriage work.

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  5. Well, if it weren’t for my kids…

    Because of them I’m wiling to give him a chance to fix himself. Hope he takes it and does something positive with it. I won’t stay if he can become the man he is supposed to be. One with morals and values.

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