Ramblings

My mind is sort of whirling back inside itself, doing the absolutely absurd, in giving thoughts to the whores, who honestly do not deserve one more second in my mind, and yet there they are mocking me. I want to send them each a short, but horrible few sentence letter in case they do not understand what kind of person they are. Then I think, “As if they don’t already know since they have to wake up with themselves each day and the fact they were being used by The Player over several years, both in flirting and fucking.” Then I stop with that foolishness of them being a thought in my head because they aren’t really worth the effort and cost of a stamp.

That is what we in This Fucked Up Infidelity World call, Stopping Intrusive Thoughts.

Thankfully, The Player’s emotions have finally stabilized. A conscious doctor and new medicine to help and he said he’s the most balanced he’s been in a few years. The highs aren’t high and the lows aren’t too low and he feels like he can cope better with life and with therapy and group and 12-step and his sobriety as he figures out what makes him, him.

The latest round of limbo we’re in has him pretty worried, I guess and rightly so. I think he is starting to feel my ambivalence to him and to our life together. I could take The Player or leave The Player and today, I am partial to leaving The Player, except the children. The children are partial to him in the home. The same children who do not deserve for their world to be blown to smithereens, the very same children who are secure in their family and the love that we have for them and each other. So I dream about leaving this life where I look at The Player and wonder what the fuck kind of person is he and is it even possible I look at him with reasonable notions again? Like respect and honor and sweet love again? I feel like leaving would give me relief but I know my pain would follow me wherever I go and would then follow my children and why should they have to drag that very heavy baggage behind? I know I would be pulling the pain behind me, so I might as well work through my own issues and pain while the kids are secure.

While things may be ambivalent, they are not hostile at all. We are pleasant and affectionate. I am currently telling him I want to reconcile, or rather that is the goal of mine. Do I want to reconcile, really? How about we save that Q & A for later. Remind me another day, when I don’t look at him and wonder, “How I am going to ever look at him again and feel love and security? How am I going to think warmly of him?”

How will I ever look at him and think, “He is my home.”? The answer is that I will probably not ever look at him and think that, even if we successfully reconcile because I know that I will never be that vulnerable with him again. I will always be my home, he can visit, but it is me, who is worthy of me.

True reconciliation, not the one year of my life – of lies that resulted in more pain for me and “processing” for him. Such ridiculous bullshit, that year of pain, my eyes are rolling while I type this and The Player isn’t even here to see my eyes roll for effect, which does at least defeat some of the purpose. I have been wondering if this limbo will lead to a softening of my heart to him because my love and compassion for him is shaky. Is that normal? Is that how it should be to be living with someone who has betrayed your trust for 20 years? Or it is ambivalent. Resigned.

Exactly how long can a person like me last where I am in this limbo? Hypothetically speaking, of course.

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12 thoughts on “Ramblings

  1. To be honest, I think all life is living in limbo. It’s us coping with risk and comfort everyday. The consequence of betrayal to me is like having the scales in my eyes drop. We all erect edifices to secure us from the bad things but it’s all an illusion. A storm can leave you homeless, a virus can leave you paralysed, a car crash can sever limbs – but we can’t wrap ourselves inn cotton wool. The best we can do is recognise the risks and then either hide from them or be prepared for them. Then we live, in limbo. The storm arrives or it passes. Either way we have to experience it.

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  2. Whoa MR that is super deep!! In a good way. I suppose in my version of limbo I see it as a place that doesn’t get me anywhere and me thinking small. Am I just focusing on the hurt, pain, betrayal, am I just focusing on how I feel like I got shafted in marriage? Am I only thinking about leaving him, or staying..
    Those things for me are limbo. If I am not pursuing friendship, love (not just with Charles), thinking about my dreams, finding my dreams, becoming healthy.. then I find myself in what I call limbo and it blows.. so for me lasting in limbo is not an option because I just want to stab Charles, Kendra, or myself. and well those really are not options for me to have a fulfilled life..
    So.. upward, onward backward and forward. I think my limbo teaches me something everytime I go there.
    At first I thought it a place to never go back to, a place to hide from, or a place that I could really stay..

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve been sad a long time (right at the two year mark right now) and within that sadness is my life. My kids still need fun and a happy mom and I want that for myself which is why in my sadness I fight through it to still have a life for myself. I wish for our sadness to be lifted.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am picturing you rolling your eyes… I roll my eyes a lot too, even when no one is looking. I am not in limbo anymore. I think limbo is waiting for something to happen instead of just living life. Live life for you, and others will follow.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Even within limbo I have had a life. Even though The Player’s behavior has blown up my life, I refuse to succumb to the sadness and not live. Even while staying is my goal, I won’t give up myself for it. I know me and I will find a way to be happy whatever situation I am in, but that would surely be much easier I were out of limbo!

    PS – Rolling my eyes without The Player here to see it, worth it or not?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ha, I don’t know… I roll my eyes regardless, it just comes naturally. I have always been a skeptic. 🙂

      I realize you are in limbo with The Player, not in life in general. I think time will bring clarity. In the meantime, I have found that the more I can just be the old me, in my new reality, helps me wade through the shit that is living with a sex addict in recovery.

      Like

    • No…he wanted to play but his parents never supported him playing sports. He could play if he got himself to practice and such. Parents never came to a single game or event. That’s part of it.

      He was also belittled in MS and HS by a teacher and specifically one girl repeatedly and sometimes publicly. Events like those and a constant longing for his parents attention and approval help create the low esteem and confidence problems. He learned early on he was a charmer and got a lot of ego strokes from women. He just never stopped and keep pushing over the line until there was no line. A lot of time he says, he didn’t know how to back out of situations because he wanted to women to like him and if he didn’t go along they might not. He wanted to feel like “the man” with them.

      The interesting thing is that I new he had parent issues and probably even some confidence issues and I was supportive in this area. Like he said though, it was a never ending black hole that no one could fill up.

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