I’ve missed being here with you. I have a lot to tell you.
The most recent fucked up thing is that I had to fire our CSAT from working with me in group and in couples’ counseling. Last time I was in group with a handful of other women he shussed me (again), only it was with more gusto. He also cut me off at the end after encouraging me to share when I was literally crying. He’s frequently annoyed or irritated with me. In the past, his behavior was so slightly nuanced that only I had noticed but over the weeks a woman in the group said something to me. The last time I was in group it was overt. Even the other people in the group told me while talking outside they couldn’t believe it, either. The behavior had been increasing in frequency and intensity.
So I sent him an email the next morning say I would likely leave group because of his behavior towards me. All of what I said was based on how I felt, nothing accusatory, but that I felt this and felt that. He replied back that he knew what I was talking about, had some perspective on me, and would like to talk to the group about it, oh and he said he saw me “somewhat differently” than the rest of the members and didn’t now how to address it. He said he was sorry three times but only about how I felt, he was not sorry for his behavior. It was not what I expected or needed. At the end of reading that email, I knew my “likely leave the group” moved to “hell no, no fucking way would I ever go back to that group.”
I said no, didn’t feel like being a focus of a group discussion and whatever he didn’t like about me (strong personality, call him out, speaking up in group, etc probably, maybe?), but I would talk with him over the phone. He said he’d rather talk in person but I wasn’t comfortable then he told me he couldn’t talk yesterday because at the end of the week he is depleted, and he only had 10 min increments Monday for me. So I said forget it. You go your way, I’ll go mine, thanks for all you did for The Player that has helped us. I said The Player would probably still see him for group but our couples’ counseling is out. Bye!
Another man who broke my trust.
Another hurt to get over.
Another thing to accept.
Another thing to be fucking pissed about and move on from.
Luckily The Player earned a lot of cred by being great about the situation, saying he will leave this CSAT if needed, either if I want it at anytime or if he doesn’t think the CSAT can handle working with him without the bias against me clouding the situation.
I’ve process it but am pissed because he had an issue that influenced his behavior as a therapist in treating me and didn’t fucking deal with it. Omission is lying. I believe I’ve had enough lying liars in my life, don’t you? I don’t think I need it from a therapist, too. Another fucking liar and one who depends on honesty in his work in order to help people. I sure hope he bring this to his own therapy. Because it’s fucking bullshit and fuck that.
I’ve clearly worked my way into the anger phase.