When your spouse desperately wants to work it out, they will promise you the world. It’s their way to show you that they want you, they want their life back, they want to save what they fucked up, they want to right the wrongs and help release them from the shame of you knowing their dirty little secrets and knowing of their nasty women with willing vaginas.
It’s been my experience that my cheating husband wants to do the things I required and we agreed upon (being me, him and his therapist). I recently reminded my “husband” (Shit, I don’t know what the fuck to call him now.) of the things he promised and how he seems to be changing what he agreed to without renegotiation. That shit isn’t going to fly with this betrayed spouse.
A day after “full disclosure” we went back to meet with his therapist as a check in. By then I’d had a list of things I wanted if my “husband” to do. Remember, I’d had a little warning it was coming, plus instinctively I know there was more, even with no proof.
The things I required weren’t uncomplicated, actually. The therapist thought the list was reasonable. Last week I realized my very savvy salesperson liar husband had morphed this list into something he wanted and not what he agreed to. I’m mature enough and been in enough therapy to know that things change; one thing might be working better than another. The problem is the man who played me was playing me again by changing the rules without me really realizing. Fuck, he’s good at it.
The Trio Agreed On:
– The Player would attend a weekly men’s group for which the therapist ran and thought the liar would be perfect for.
– The Player would attend and work a “Sex Addict” 12-Step program, for which the therapist thought the liar would fit right in, classic “sex addict.”
– The Player had some behavior rules. He would confess any incidents of “acting out” described as his “inner circle” to avoid and the behaviors that led to them including but not limited to: no alone time with females, no drinking in bars alone, no flirting, no innuendos of a sexual or relationship nature with females, no obsessing about sex or objectifying women, obviously no fucking any women, and no “sexual contact” with anyone – we’re going to cover men here, although that is not a problem for my “sex addict.”
– He would attend individual counseling, if needed and determined by The Player and the therapist.
– He would sign a post-nuptial agreement to avoid me filing for divorce in the meantime to make sure I’m protected.
– He would work on himself and understood he needed to be changed before we would be able to reconcile.
– No matter what I decided to do with our relationship, it was explained by him that he would continue to work on himself so he could be an example to our children.
The things I would do.
– I would consider reconciling.
– For the short-term I wouldn’t make him leave the home (at least for three months).
– I would try for a year of him living in the home to fix himself. I would try my best.
Something we added without ever acknowledging was therapy together which was started about a month and a half after disclosure.
What he’s changed, ever so subtly.
– He is attending a 12-step program, but to my fairly good knowledge about 12-step programs, he wouldn’t be considered to be “working it.”
– He tried to talk me out of consulting a lawyer for the post-nup and just go with what I want, signed by both of us and notarized.
– Last week he started hinting that some things were off-limits to discuss, but reconsidered when I had that look on my face like, “ARE YOU FUCKNG CRAZY?”
I am not okay with these changes. I am not saying we shouldn’t consider and maybe do them, but fucking renegotiate with me, asshole. I think the biggest problem I have is that I feel a loss of control, which I find important to note, because I have been so much someone who has had horrific things done to them over two decades without my knowledge. I want some mutherfucking control back. Plus, he doesn’t get to dictate what I need in order to heal. I get to do that. That much I know. He sure isn’t going to take away what little control I have in my life and in this process.
If he can’t deal with that, oh well. He knows where the door is.