I was reading a post this morning by my friend Cat at Try Not to Cry on My Rainbow and it brought me back to last week at a therapy session with The Player’s CSAT.
About once or twice a month I attend therapy with The Player. As I’ve said before, it’s mostly The Player’s individual therapy session with me in the room. I’d say about 75-80% is usually about an issue The Player has that they could also be discussing in counseling without me. The Player is pretty insistent on me attending with him, I think for a couple of reasons. One, if there is an issue we are facing even if we’ve not addressed it yet, he wants a third-party to help us. Two, he wants me to see he’s working hard on himself and making progress with the What, How and Why he is a sex and love addict (He identifies with the SLAA philosophy). I’d say it’s been helpful to me about the same – 75% of the time – to see his progress first-hand. Other times, when I basically hear him processing something I didn’t need to be there for it’s a bit useless for me, but it’s what we do and for now, it works for us.
I have a lot of respect for this CSAT. He “gets it” and he is amazingly warm and giving. He’s a bit touch and feely for The Player, but thank goodness The Player responded to him because I believe if we have a chance of recovering from this fucking mess he created, we have a greater chance because of him. Like I said, I have a lot of respect for him. I generally feel like he treats our sessions together well, as couples’ therapy, even if we and he focus on The Player three-quarters of the time.
Last week we were talking about a run-in (they only looked at each other) The Player had with one of his affair partners. The Player was explaining to the CSAT what I already knew about this incident with this particular vagina; they saw each other, made eye contact and his only goal at that time was to get as far away from her as possible. I believe this is what happened. He told me immediately after he saw her and we had a brief talk about his feelings about it. Did he miss her, want to talk to her, wish things were different? Nope to all of the above. I believe him.
I believe it because I know none of the women he fucked or flirted with meant anything more than an ego stroke, unless on the rare occasion, they had sex. On those rare occasions, he couldn’t always perform. In all the cases when that happened, he went back to the same vagina to prove he could do it, “or what would they think of me?” he says. They also didn’t have sex every time they could have when they saw each other at events and company meetings. In fact, that is the case with all of them except for the last one, but that’s because I caught him before he just moved from sexual and back into their comfortable ego stroking, flirty, inappropriate relationship, which always happened, it was his pattern.
His relationships with most of them were not for the purpose of fucking. The fucking didn’t really matter. His addiction was the affection. He loved to make them laugh. He loved to look like their hero and when they saw each other at events or meetings, he was the man. Paying for their and everyone’s dinners and drinks, bam! Hero! Making sure they were safe and taken care of, bam! Hero! He was also the life of the party and what women wouldn’t want that man interested in her? He was magnetic. I know this to be true because it’s how he first roped me in and one of the things I found charming. I shake my head in disgust right now I as typed that sentence. He made them feel important. He made them feel attractive. I heard him once say to someone else without knowing I heard was, “With the exception of (Ground Zero Whore) they weren’t all that attractive, but what they did have in common was that I could do no wrong. They absolutely, without fail, adored me.”
Anyways, back to how he saw one of the (free) whores recently and we were talking about it in therapy with his CSAT, at which time the CSAT said, “What did you think or feel, seeing one of your victims?” My head quickly turned to the CSAT who noticed my face and I said, “I take an exception to you calling any of them victims. They were willing participants. You don’t get to call them victims.”
The CSAT went onto explain that he uses different language directly with The Player and since he is, a lot of the time anyway, dealing with The Player individually he choose to use that word. I let it slide at the time because we were in the middle of hearing The Player explain/process something, but we’re going to come back to it next time we’re together. That will be part of the 25% couples counseling we get when I’m in the room with The Player. My point being, I don’t believe the CSAT should use the term “victims” when he is talking about the women who willingly over years, ego fed and got egos fed and went on to fuck someone they knew was married (and because they are extra special, some knew me personally as well). The CSAT doesn’t get to call them that, even when I am not in the room and he is working individually with The Player. Nope.
Is The Player ultimately responsible for breaking our marriage vows and destroying our life as I knew it? Hell fucking yes, absolutely. I hold him ultimately and completely responsible, after all it’s his dick, his emotions, his time, energy and our money he pointed away from me and us and to other women. He took from me and gave to them.
But these women also needed it. They clearly needed the affection The Player – someone’s husband – showed them. They called, emailed and texted for it and of course, they chased it when they were with him in person. They wanted to feel important to this (thought of) all around “great guy.” I have proof of this fucked up game they played with each other in thousands texts and emails between them. He didn’t stalk, convince, or seduce them. What he did do was make them feel good and when that was returned it fed what he was hungry for and it was the perfect time for both of them to pounce on each other and that’s where we end up with his dick in vagina (when he could get it up, I mean). They knowingly, wanted and did play into his emotions and his hero-worship need as much as needed so he let them. The Player played into their wanting to be thought of as attractive and desired by someone attractive and fun and someone they adored.
Who the fuck knows, maybe they should get their sorry, pathetic, fucking asses to a 12-step meeting for love and/or sex addiction too, especially the married ones. Cat mentioned in her post about the women and that during her husband’s 12-step work, he wouldn’t be making amends to those women. That has been my feeling all along, as well. You can’t make amends to people you’ve harmed if it hurts someone else and it would. It would hurt me, but the most important and tell fact that he shouldn’t apologize is because they were willing participants. Cat also brought up another interesting point in that none of her husband’s acting out partners have apologized to her for doing what they did. I hadn’t thought of that so plainly, but none of The Player’s whores have either.
I know all of the women know that I know because I contacted them. I spoke to most live, if they didn’t hang up. I left messages for the rest and sent emails too so it’s not like they don’t know how to contact me. I’m easy to find on Facebook and in some of the cases, these whores have my home address because they’ve received cards and invitations from us. So these vaginas could have gotten in touch with me at anytime had they felt the need to apologize for their deplorable behavior, had they wanted to, had they thought they were in the wrong.
Sorry CSAT, I’m going to have to school you on this one. Victims? No. I have a lot of words for them, most of them vile and disgusting. So there are many things I can call them, but none of them are victims. What they are is as pathetic as The Player.