The Monikers We Choose

“If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” – Anne Lamott

In therapy yesterday with my husband’s CSAT/our joint counselor the therapist asked why I call my husband The Player on the blog. He said “The Player” is derogatory and that he wished I would change it. When I contorted my face a little bit, he said something like, “just a suggestion because it’s negative.”

When he asked about the moniker I immediately felt defensive. I was all (in my head and some of my words), “DUDE, I get to call him whatever the fuck I want to. If he didn’t want to be called The Player he should’ve treated me better. He did play me, after all. When he does something better with himself then maybe I won’t call him that anymore.”

I had to follow-up with something electronically and he gently asked me to come up with some alternate labels for The Player. I sent the following:

“The Player could be…

Now: The Participant

Hopefully one day:

The Monogamist

The Devoted

The Ally

The One

The Companion

Mr. Authentic

Mr. True Blue

Mr. Character

When I sent him that note he said he’d be interested in the range of labels that I could make for myself now and into the future.

“You mean besides The Awesome?” I answered. I meant that, honestly. What else could we call me? <<< Not tongue in cheek.

Then I proceed to come up with a few more:

The Played (sigh)

The Participant (I am too)

The Fearful

Mrs. steadfast

The Lover

I told him I wanted to add Mrs. Stamina but I lack the patience gene.

I also said, thanks for challenging me, but I’m fine with calling him The Player right now. He did play me and a lot of other people. He led us all to believe he was a caring, devoted, steadfast, loyal person and husband and we all know that wasn’t true. He does admit he misled us and I very much felt played, thankyoueverymuch.

So why does it bother me that the therapist has an opinion about this very thing? Probably because I trust him and respect his opinion. I do think, however, since we get to make our choices that make us feel best, it’s okay to take their suggestions under advisement. I’ve done that and his current moniker remains.

If you think about it, I was sort of nicer than I wanted to be with the Moniker. The blog could have very easily been called because the moniker Muterfucker certainly sits well with me today.

Next post up? Our Thursday Talk.

Related: same shit, different fucking day.

6 thoughts on “The Monikers We Choose

  1. Our CSAT/couple’s therapist knows I have a blog because I have mentioned it a couple times, but I have not given her any details. She has, of course, asked me how having the blog, how the comments, and how reading other betrayed spouse blogs makes me feel. I tell her it generally makes me feel less alone, but… when I have mentioned my blog, I get the slightest impression she does not approve. I don’t really care, but I find it interesting. i find it intriguing that a therapist would make any suggestions about someone’s personal blog. It sounds like your husband understands why he is called The Player.


    • Oh he understands for sure. Our therapist is great and I have a ton of respect for him so when he brought it up I wanted to pause and think about it. I’m still fine with calling my cheater The Player — because this blog is mine and I feel well played, for sure. I don’t mind if our CSAT reads along for he might find some insight. I also am not writing anything I wouldn’t say to him or The Player. I’ve got no time for hiding what I’m thinking. If he wants to read along, so be it.


    • Right? I love this CSAT, really. He’s a great guy who “gets” it and he’s been invaluable to my husband’s growth (albeit slow) and to our very rocky potential of staying together. The things I like about him (touchy feely person) are also maybe what make this kind of statement possible. I’ll let it slide because he’s not judging just asking me to think about it, which I like.


  2. Your CSat is confused. He is trying too hard. Only you can work through this at your pace and you are changed forever. You and I were played. Now we are detached. We work with truth. Players work with lies. We live in the present and remember the past and hope for the future. Liars live for themselves and time is just something else to play with. Players use people. We were used, no longer, but we were their pawns and we never knew we were playing chess, along with all the other players in their sick game. They were the Kings and there were no other knights or queens or anything but pawns. It was their version of a messed up chess game, not ours. You were played. Your Csat is confused.


    • No, our CSAT isn’t confused…he’s sort of touchy feely (one of the things I like about it) and he probably doesn’t like the negativity of the moniker out in the world, you know?


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