The Reality of Setbacks

Early on when I found out about the first affair my cheater husband gave me some line about how “It just happened.” He stated how it was just something he stumbled upon. All of a sudden he was at a work meeting out-of-town, in a bar after the meeting, his meeting attendee just having left, having had a few cocktails and flirting to the point getting a whore’s phone and texting a message to his number so he could reach back out to her. He reached back out to her an hour or two later inviting her back to his room. Sure, that just happened.

During those first few awful weeks after discovery when my cheater couldn’t let his Ground Zero Whore go (even though he had neglected to tell me that) I had been reading a lot, devouring anything and everything that could give me answers to the fuckedupness of my life and my cheating husband. I’d read a lot where the delayed “no contact” is a pretty regular thing, so while I fucking hated him caring more about her feelings (which really was about caring more about himself and not wanting to let “it” go) I understood it. I even expected it. That’s why he sat on our marital bed and cried and I comforted him. I knew it wasn’t about the whore. It was the whore represented and to him it represented his escape and his confidence. If he wasn’t going to get it from whores, who the hell would he get it from?

Like I said, I understood those first few times of not letting her go. The third week. The sixth week. The tenth week? Not so much. In fact, he – well, we – are still paying for the damage he did during those last few months of seeing her. He will tell you at the time he felt “drawn” to her and that he didn’t know why he couldn’t let her go, he “just couldn’t.” If I can pinpoint anything that stopped progress, I will tell you that those weeks of continuing the affair after the affair had come to light.

Look, I can get over the actual dick in vagina act with time and remorse and redemption. It’s the deception and the further deception as well as making me think I was crazy at the time I had a feeling something was still going on.

The damage was done.

It set me back months all the way back to me not working on reconciliation because who wants to reconcile with a man who can’t make up his fucking mind? Some other stupid person. By the time he did figure out he wanted me and his family it was too late.

The damage was done.

Just existing together with him working on himself hoping it would eventually help me and us.

Another year passed and I found another clue. The gut feeling worked out well and led to finding something suspicious and it was then that my cheater had started to work with his CSAT and I started discussing him taking a polygraph. His fucking lying, cheating, whore worlds collided. He had to come clean because his sorry ass had been backed into a corner. We scheduled an appointment and the long list of affairs dating back almost two decades was finally out in the open. This was a year later. A YEAR. He’d waited another fucking year to tell me he had been cheating since almost the beginning of our marriage. I had begged him to tell me everything so I could move on and start to heal a year prior.

He finally told me.

Then I told him.

“The damage is done.”

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Waking up.

Every morning there are a few moments, maybe as many as 30 seconds or a minute or two I forget my husband is a world-callous cheater and that he was able to play me so well, for so long.

Sometimes I get as much as a whole damn two minutes! Imagine what it’s like to realize that it wasn’t a bad dream, that your life IS as bad as you thought it was.

Each and everyday, for well over a year, I have random thoughts about my situation. The same thoughts and some new ones day after day, but rarely less thoughts than these:

  • I can’t believe this is my life.
  • Almost two mutherfucking decades.
  • They are nasty fucking bitches, why them?
  • I married an idiot.
  • I was an idiot.
  • How am I ever going to be at peace with multiple affairs for multiple years?
  • What does that say/mean about MY relationship with him if he says, “I’ve never had a healthy relationship.”
  • What does it say about me that I am considering staying with him?
  • With a “Sex Addict” relapse rate of 90%, why even try?
  • I am an idiot.
  • How could he love me if he can do this to me?
  • I love him.
  • I don’t love him.
  • I should stay for the kids.
  • I should leave for me.
  • I am staying.
  • I am an idiot.

Then I shower and I cry. Then I try to live a life. One shitty day at shitty time.

The Unfortunate Case of Meticulous Records

When my cheating husband gave me a full accounting of the multiple affairs and timeframes (the aspects he could remember) he didn’t realize I’d be able to match up those times with what was happening back at home while he was out wining, dining and fucking other people.

This was unfortunate for him because no one was as surprised and unprepared as he was that I was able to tell him two of our kids had their well visit at the pediatrician on the same day he met and first fucked one of the whores. Luckily I was also able to share that while he was on a three-day trip with another, I was back home taking one of our kids in for a pre-op appointment. While he was whopping it up and buying drinks and dinner with one of the first whores, I was schlepping our kids to school, soccer, tutoring and probably picking up the mutherfcuker’s dry cleaning after making sure I had his favorite kind of coffee and fresh oranges waiting for him at home.

One of the (many) horrible things is realizing someone you trust with all you are is treating you like a fool with women who also think you’re a fool because you don’t even know the dick you’re married too.

It’s brutal.

I don’t know how I’ll ever be at peace with these facts. I suspect it’s one of those things you hear about from people who’ve had to live through horrific events, that they just learned how not to succumb to the tragedy under a pile of grief. I imagine its a powerful undercurrent in daily living and then the pile just rests at your feet and having it there is just the new normal. Some say they also remember and feel the pain but it becomes something that is just a part of you and your history. They say you just learn to “live with it.”

If by “live with it” they mean I cry everyday, am experiencing PTSD-like symptoms often, feel like my soul has been shattered, feel like a world-class fool and think I’ll never feel balanced with the world around me, then yes, I guess I am “living” with it.

To Know or Not to Know

One big question among therapists and betrayed spouses alike is if it’s beneficial to hear details of affairs. Probably the largest proponent of not disclosing the details and moving on comes from cheaters. Obviously, because they’re in the business of secrecy. And saving their asses.

Listen, we’re all different. Many of the things I’ve read tell of spouses who have a hard time moving on without the details because many times their imaginations are worse and get the best of them. I am very much in this camp. There are spouses who think, “I know enough, I don’t want the details because I can’t handle the visuals.” I would absolutely not be that spouse.

There are some spouses who have no choice of their own. Their spouses won’t tell them or they’ve stumbled upon secret email accounts or apps on phones that house graphic video, notes and pictures and they can never unsee the loop of images in their minds. I personally have yet to run across something affair related about my spouse and turn it away before knowing the contents. Some cheating spouses never tell and some betrayed spouses stay with them, not knowing the extent of their betrayals. Again, each of our paths is different, none are wrong.

For me, there wasn’t any way I would have even considered staying in my “marriage” without knowing the details. Honestly, it’s the lies that kept getting me. I could get over him putting his dick in someone else if he were remorseful and actions backed that up, I mean, I was ready to move on and reconcile within just a week or two of finding out about the short affair and the one night stand (both lies), but kept running up against his lies on no contact. On top of him breaking no contact with Ground Zero Whore, I kept running across more suspicious items, which just led me to dig more. It was a vicious cycle of digging > finding > questioning > learning > digging > finding… see what I mean? Mutherfucking endless.

It’s the worst of both worlds, though, isn’t it?

Know it all and know the depth of deception. 

Don’t know it all and always wonder. 

For me, of the shit options, the less shitty option was number one. I wanted to know exactly what I and our marriage was up against and it wasn’t good. In fact, it’s been months since he told me the full extent and I still can’t believe this is my life. The depth of my husband’s betrayals is relationship-crushing.

At least I know. It was about fucking time I know what’s going on in my marriage, don’t you think?

The Color I See

Before I knew everything about his affairs, I was happy and my world was bright. Like a bright light.

Now, there is black. My eyes are open to the dirty, numbing, sloshing black that outshines the bright light.

Ignorant no more, my life will never be as bright as before or black as the day I discovered.

It will be grey. No matter what happens now, my life with him or memories of a life with him will always be grey.

The Whores He Played

Let’s talk a little bit about the type of women my husband was interested in. Well, really only one thing is paramount.

They adored him.

He’s an adoration whore. He feels so badly about himself he noticed the women did something for him, even just the flirting and feedback. They adored him. He could make them laugh and they were willing vaginas. Those are the three main things he has determined since doing some self reflection.

They all adored him. I mean adored him. He, apparently, could not do anything wrong to them to stop them from adoring him. He loved that about them. Interestingly enough, they aren’t necessarily attractive (except the stripper-who-looks-like-a man-dressed-as-a-woman maybe). If you looked at them, you’d probably agree. So, I know for a fact he didn’t have super sex with super hot models.

He collected them, too.

Two of them he knew for two decades, the others between four and ten years. The one who got him busted just under six months before I found out and three months after I knew. He even was able to fuck them and remain friends with them without continuing to fuck them. He sort of just stopped doing it with them. No discussions about ending, except for one married one who felt guilty. After months of fucking my husband, she felt guilty all of a sudden. Good for her.

He moved on from having sex with them but still remain friends. Like I said, he was a charmer. I’ve got hundreds of emails of his keeping them on the hook by making them feel great about themselves, desired, attractive and themselves, charming.

They are sad, in a pathetic whore way, you know? One of them is so pathetic she just allowed herself be used rarely, on and off, over a 12 year period. Who the fuck signs up for that?

That’s exactly what I asked her when I called her, as I did all the women I could contact. Along with recommending they get STD testing because they weren’t the only special butterflies, I asked, “Why the fuck would you be a cumdumpster for my husband, or any man? Have some fucking respect for yourself.”

She was pretty speechless at that point.

That was a really good day.

The Breakup, continued…

So, the very dramatic breakup with (free) Ground Zero Whore went well, my fucking husband crying over a whore notwithstanding. It was a relief. He seemed the be upset so I rationalized that it must have been a real breakup. I’d read somewhere it took cheaters a few breakups for it to stick, that’s why I was patient. I expected it, even though I fucking hated it.

I’m not that much of a patient person, so we should all marvel that I didn’t kick his sorry ass out. My head was still spinning and my counselor made me really see that right after the affair/s coming to light isn’t a great time to make a final decision about your marriage. There’s a great quote out of a book called Not “Just Friends,” as the author says something like “Don’t make any decisions about your marriage based on its lowest point. It’s like buying high and selling low.”

So we go to therapy, or a crisis counselor. He was okay. I don’t think he was perfect for us but it seems to stop the hemorrhaging, if not the bleeding. We were seeing him together even though I think my cheater husband wanted to see him alone.

About a week later my cheater husband gets an email from her. I intercept it and mention it before he does. He acts like he didn’t see it or saw it at the same time. Clue Number One. “What do you think you should do?” I said. “Ignore it.” he replied.

No. We hit therapy the next day for a schedule appointment and it came up why he hadn’t sent the no contact letter, again. He pulled out a piece of paper with the shittiest worded breakup ever written. I’ve seen smarter 7th graders write a better breakup letter. I wish I were kidding.

He said something like, “We must stop communicating. I know it’s hard for both of us and I am really sad and I know you are too, but I want to work it out with my wife. I care about you and I’m sorry you are hurting.”

I honestly thought he had a disease eating his brain because the guy I married was smarter than this, right? I had a fit. I say no way to him sending that letter and if he did, he was telling her that her feelings were still fucking more important than mine. I said she didn’t deserve anymore of his emotion. No fucking way. He begrudgingly sent a short note.

It was in that moment I knew he wasn’t done with her and it’s what propelled me to keep looking for proof they were in contact. He was acting too ambivalent.

A couple of months later I found it. Conclusive evidence. Busted! He hung his head, explained he would tell me “everything” to “come clean” so we could start “fresh.” He told me of more phones and how they had moved their affair to live talks only. He said they were trying to match up their schedules again, but sadly, to no avail. Just as he was figuring out it would be hard to see her – too much effort – he decided she wasn’t worth it and that he did want to work it out with me.

Apparently.

I found this proof two weeks after his last phone call with her. Sadly, he also admitted he would have seen her if it was convenient and had worked out. This is when I knew he didn’t really select me and the marriage as much as it was inconvenient to see her and she was starting to get annoying.

The news of this extended affair time between my husband and GZW hit me hard. I fell down a hole and didn’t come back up for sunlight for at least a few months. Even then, the bright sunlight was now filtered through a very dirty window.

The Breakup with Ground Zero Whore

I should say breakups. There were multiple. Five? Or is it seven? They all started blending together so I don’t really have any idea.

Horrific Day One or “D-day”

He tells me he sent her a note and said he had to end it because I found out. What he tells her is he’ll be in touch when he can.

Day Two

He sends text messages of him breaking up with her again because I find proof he hasn’t. He tells me the affair is pretty much my fault. I talk about our kids too much, I’m fat and he doesn’t like to do anything with me anymore, so we have nothing in common. What he tells her is he still wants her and he’ll find a way to see her soon. He says he developed feelings for her and he’s sorry for the mess he’s created for her.

Days Three – 3-7

He tells me he’s confused but *thinks* he wants to work it out. What he tells her is he can’t text often but he will be in touch and he misses her so much, it hurts.

Day 7

I find deleted messages and proof he’s called her and spoke to her several times since I found out. I leave our home to retreat to a friend’s home. He comes after me later in the day and says it’s over with her, he will end it. This time for real. He spends the next several hours texting with her back and forth because she is with her children so they can’t talk live. Several things were texted between them but he finally said while there were a lot of problems in his marriage, he loved his wife and needed to “focus” attention on the marriage (he says this during a lot of his breakups with her and others I’ve since learned). She types she is crying. He says, “Me too.” He was crying. It was while sitting on our marital bed. Can you believe that fucking shit? Me, either. He types he’s so sorry for the pain he caused her. He’s sorry they didn’t get to do everything they planned to do but was happy for the memories he did have of them together.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I touched his back, said I know that must have been hard because he is letting go of a fantasy and an escape, but reminded him what he had with a few month’s (free) whore wasn’t real. I say, “You’re not sad about her, you’re sad you were busted and you don’t get the escape anymore.”

He disagrees. He said, “It’s real to me. I miss her. It was about her. It feels unfinished.”

I say, “If you want to keep her, you absolutely can. But you can’t have me. Please, let me go. Let’s divorce. Do you want to get a divorce?”

He said, “It wouldn’t be the end of the world if we did divorce.”

Then my heart breaks and will never not show those cracks, no matter how much he tries to glue it back together.

The Cheater Fog

I’ve learned there’s this little known fact about cheaters when they are caught. Most are in a fog of fantasyland and can’t see through it to figure out what they want the most, and for many, that is to heal their marriage and keep their family. Unfortunately, during the fog they can cause too much damage to go backwards.

They continue to lie and cheat (“rugsweeping”). They omit certain truths (slowing providing them is called “trickle truths” which suck very much and are quite common for cheaters). One of the worst things is to know that your cheater is grieving the loss of the affair. Some are unavailable to heal anything, much less a broken marriage and a devastated spouse.

If your spouse isn’t remorseful they probably…

  • will ask why you aren’t moving on,
  • tell you if they told you/tell you more details, it will just hurt you,
  • are defensive when you’re hurting,
  • aren’t attending some kind of therapy,
  • aren’t being completely transparent with passwords, their location, etc.,
  • are avoiding deep conversations.

I wished I had pushed therapy harder for my husband (he might have not waited a year to do a full disclosure) but I know the odds are that he wasn’t ready and it would have been pointless.

I guess I didn’t push too hard because he was doing everything else right; the transparency, openness, cutting all ties with women friends, and completely changing how he works (no more personal relationships for dinner/drinks meetings with women anymore), and no defensiveness. I think I’m that first year he’d been slightly defensive twice. Not bad for a year.

No wonder he was doing all of that other stuff. He was trying very hard to run from his own truth. If he could just fix things now he’d never have to confess the other infidelities dating back to the beginning of our marriage.

Fucking without Condoms

Okay, so you want to have an affair. For whatever reason you’re going to act like an asshole to your spouse and family and your morals, if you have any. You’ve made the decision to turn your back on your value system, your vows.

Fine. Whatthefuckever.

But what right do you think you have to fuck someone without a condom? I think of all of the points about the betrayals (damn, the fucking lies on top of mutherfucking lies) the worst is knowing that you put my life at risk because you couldn’t put a fucking condom on your dick. There are 17-year-olds having sex with condoms. Let’s not even talk about pregnancy (and no, your saying “She said she was on birth control…” doesn’t cut it because shit, you trust her? A whore willing to fuck you while your married? That was a great idea.) and the risk. But the putting me at risk for any number of diseases and infections? Life changing diseases and infections. Possible death.

Kiss my ass you heartless asshole. You’ve got some mutherfucking explaining to do.

Here’s an entire site dedicated to sending you condoms. Get some balls and buy some if you’re going to fuck around on your spouse. This goes for you too women, tell that man whore you’re going to fuck to wrap that dick up.