I should say breakups. There were multiple. Five? Or is it seven? They all started blending together so I don’t really have any idea.
Horrific Day One or “D-day”
He tells me he sent her a note and said he had to end it because I found out. What he tells her is he’ll be in touch when he can.
He sends text messages of him breaking up with her again because I find proof he hasn’t. He tells me the affair is pretty much my fault. I talk about our kids too much, I’m fat and he doesn’t like to do anything with me anymore, so we have nothing in common. What he tells her is he still wants her and he’ll find a way to see her soon. He says he developed feelings for her and he’s sorry for the mess he’s created for her.
Days Three – 3-7
He tells me he’s confused but *thinks* he wants to work it out. What he tells her is he can’t text often but he will be in touch and he misses her so much, it hurts.
I find deleted messages and proof he’s called her and spoke to her several times since I found out. I leave our home to retreat to a friend’s home. He comes after me later in the day and says it’s over with her, he will end it. This time for real. He spends the next several hours texting with her back and forth because she is with her children so they can’t talk live. Several things were texted between them but he finally said while there were a lot of problems in his marriage, he loved his wife and needed to “focus” attention on the marriage (he says this during a lot of his breakups with her and others I’ve since learned). She types she is crying. He says, “Me too.” He was crying. It was while sitting on our marital bed. Can you believe that fucking shit? Me, either. He types he’s so sorry for the pain he caused her. He’s sorry they didn’t get to do everything they planned to do but was happy for the memories he did have of them together.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I touched his back, said I know that must have been hard because he is letting go of a fantasy and an escape, but reminded him what he had with a few month’s (free) whore wasn’t real. I say, “You’re not sad about her, you’re sad you were busted and you don’t get the escape anymore.”
He disagrees. He said, “It’s real to me. I miss her. It was about her. It feels unfinished.”
I say, “If you want to keep her, you absolutely can. But you can’t have me. Please, let me go. Let’s divorce. Do you want to get a divorce?”
He said, “It wouldn’t be the end of the world if we did divorce.”
Then my heart breaks and will never not show those cracks, no matter how much he tries to glue it back together.