The Things I Know

I know my husband loves me.

I know I love my husband.

I know I want to stay if my marriage is healed.

I know I won’t stay if he continues to hurt me, even if he’s monogamous.

I know I feel better detaching.

I know detaching could lead me to leaving my marriage.

I don’t know if my husband has the stamina and fortitude to do the hard work to become a person with integrity.

What does “pulling back” mean?

The conversation went a little like this…

Me: “I’ve decided I don’t won’t be looking at your texts or emails anymore. I will still be able to, but it’s my goal not to. I just wanted you to have some privacy as I know you have friends you need to communicate with and you should be able to do that freely without retribution.”

Pretty good, eh?

The Player: “What do you mean? This doesn’t sound good. Are you doing it for me, you or us? Or maybe I should be saying is it bad for me, you or us?”

Me: “I think it will be good for me, and that’s what’s important to me right now.”

The Player: “Why this sudden change?”

Me: “I just want to put a little space between us because I think being entangled with you so closely isn’t working for me right now. It’s totally fine for you to work your process how you want to but it’s not lining up with what I need and it’s hurting me. I think if I pull back a little bit I’ll be able to create some safety, you know?”

The Player: “It sounds like you are letting me go and that doesn’t sound good.”

Me: “This is good for us because it’s good for me. I’m sure you don’t want me to be in more pain than I need to be, right?”

The Player: “Right. I just want to know what I can do to make you feel safer. What am I not doing?”

Me: “I’ve told you dozens of times but you’re not getting it. I don’t think it’s because you don’t want to, I just don’t think you have the capacity right now. You’ve assured me many times you are doing all you can, so I guess in some strange way I have to “trust” that don’t I?”

The Player: “Thanks for the compliments on what I am doing for me and doing right but I’m worried about you and want to do right by you, too.”

Me: “You can’t. We tried that route and it isn’t working for me.”

The Player: “I’m afraid because I don’t want to lose you.”

Me: “I know but me pulling back isn’t going to make that happen. If you lose me, it’ll happen whether I pull back or not.”

Phone rings.

Saved by the bell.

The Things I Know

I know my husband loves me

I know I love my husband

I know I resent my husband

I don’t know if we can make it

I know I don’t want a broken home for my kids

I know I will be happy, whatever happens

I know I don’t trust my husband

I know the depth of my husband’s lies

I know the length of my husband’s lies

I know I’m glad about telling friends and family

I know it’s his shame, not mine

I know our marriage won’t ever feel unsoiled and perfect again

I don’t know if I want to deal with a “sex addict” and their almost guaranteed relapses.

I don’t know if I will ever heal