I knew it was a while since my last post, and honestly, I’m surprised it was just April. I thought it had been longer.
There have been a lot of times in the last couple of months that I wanted to blog, but have stopped myself many times. Probably because of time, I’ve been busy with the kids ending school and I’ve just not known what I wanted to share here, in this space.
Things have been relatively calm. Like I’ve mentioned, I’m past the trauma so I don’t linger with my feelings in the past, for the most part, which makes it calmer. The thoughts I have from those terrible times are fleeting, mostly as a result of a technique from the hypnotist I saw for a couple of months last year. He led me through visualizing the worst of the visions I was having – of The Player courting, flirting and then having sex with other women – then pushing it away. The visions were unusually vivid but then my imagination is vivid so that doesn’t surprise me. He had me close my eyes, picture them and flip them over, push them away and spin them if I needed to, which I started doing and after about 10x of doing that with the worst ones, they started to dissipate. Again, they blip in an out every so often now.
We experienced a set back or two when The Player told “white lies” early in the year and he was caught or in two cases, came forward. I don’t trust him, as is no surprise, but I don’t think he is doing anything heinous anymore. So there’s that. It’s so fucked up that I see that as a positive in my marriage.
It’s the new marriage though. Not the one I even wanted, or want at this point I suppose, becuase at the end of the day, does anyone really want to be with a two decades cheater? No tme, but it sure is fuck were I am.
I feel like he’s been coasting a bit, taking advantage of the lull in the drama and the (now lack of) energy being directed towards me and our healing. I’ve mentioned this at our last three appointments with his CSAT. I call it “complacency” and The Player doesn’t agree that he is, which I think, “so what, I do and that’s all that matters.” The CSAT is sure we are just moving into another phase about how we behave now, about how we communicate.
The Player admits there is a lull in his work. He cites being “busy” and I called bullshit on that, also during the last three appointments with his CSAT. Our lives will never not be stressful because of issues beyond our control. I said, “We’re going to have to figure out how to stay connected during all the times because we are always stressed out. Stress is our normal.” We’re still in discussions about this because while I know things wax and wane, he doesn’t get the luxury of THIS being flexible. More discussions to come.
I’ve started a partner’s group a few weeks ago and that has been really good. It’s never a bad thing to share your story and hear others because among partners in our situation, there are commonalities that make us feel not alone.
There is more about our recovery and healing, but I’m not ready to work it though in writing yet. It’s about my faking my way through this recovery and working through if I am now the liar in our relationship, which is, ironic, right?