Honesty and The Player

The truth, I guess, is oozing out of The Player now.

Everyone congratulate him on doing what seven-year-olds learn and do! He recently told me that for sure now, looking back, even as early as eight to ten months ago, he wasn’t “solid” in his recovery. He was “white knuckling” his recovery, but still not connecting all of the dots. These dots – and quite expensive dots to the tune of about $20,000 in therapy for him – didn’t start making sense until the last five months. That means for almost two years he’s been trying “work it out” with me, but with every little real tools to do it.

So, I feel like I wasted a lot of fucking time during all of that therapy and those brutal two to three-time a week talks or (fuckingfuckedup) checkins.

Not only did he prolong my suffering and add to the depth of it by lying for the first two months with broken contact with the last whore, for the next year he lied about the 18 years of affairs with the other multiple whores and he didn’t face the fact that he’s been getting  his broken ego stroked by women he didn’t even have to fuck. I believe I resent him for this prolonged suffering.

Imagine how great it felt to know that during the last couple of years for many months in our “reconciliation” he said – looking back of course –  he was very much susceptible to an affair had I kicked him out. “I’m pretty sure I would have,” he said. Honestly speaking, I think this is the most fucked up thing I’ve heard in a long time. Well, not too long, if I’m honest, because nothing surprises me about this process.

Today, I wouldn’t mind yelling, “Fuck this bullshit!” and the whores he rode in on.

 

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One thought on “Honesty and The Player

  1. Well, I do congratulate The Player because they are stunted little boys and recognizing that, in my world, is a big deal. This process is a bitch. That being said though, the increased communication and acknowledgements of where he was and where he is going, and continuing to open up, and be vulnerable and emotional (although not too pretty) is HUGE. They prolong our suffering for the same reason they caused us suffering in the first place… they don’t know any different. They aren’t like us. They don’t know how to feel the way we feel. They absolutely do not change overnight and if they say they can, or they have, frankly, I don’t believe them. What I do believe, however, is that struggling, really struggling, and stopping and starting, and stalling and then figuring their way, at least for a little while, but going slowly and truly learning to trust the people around them, the people that actually do love them (because in BE’s case he didn’t believe anyone could love him), without manipulation and control, is the real deal. It takes them a while to learn to be honest, and to learn to be vulnerable, and to learn to really love us in a truly compassionate way. Maybe one of these days he will have an epiphany regarding the 12 steps too. 😉 xx

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