One of the most unfair things (damn there are a lot to choose from, hence me saying one of the most…) about moving forward with a cheater/liar/sex addict in true recovery is the difference in our worlds of healing.
The Player gets more joy. In fact, he has stated several times in recent weeks he has never been so happy in his life.
I get to process grief and pain. I have never felt such pain in my life.
The Player gets to celebrate freedom from a life shame and secrecy.
I get to figure out how to live without shame and the knowledge that the person I trusted most put my emotional and physical well being at risk.
The Player gets to feel pride and accomplishment at his progress, growth, and newfound insightfulness.
I get to figure out how to end my suffering, accept what he’s done so I can move on and heal and let’s not forget, to keep the family together.
The Player feels better about his life.
I feel worse about my life.
The Player points out that now though, I get to have a partner who “is happy and more engaged with life.”
Well, okay then. I feel so much better.
He Played Me 
So………we have been having this same discussion lately. How is this fair? He can’t answer it. Why? Because there is no answer. He does say he has terrible shame and guilt when he thinks about what he has done and thinks that might somehow help me….because it isn’t all a bed of roses as he goes forward. Thing is he finally being truthful and honest with himself and he likes it so it makes him happy. The thing is I feel like shit when I think about how he has treated me. Sex addicts, adultery and affairs just suck big time.
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This is just so well put. Most of what you write resonates with me very closely, and this one simply hits home. The day the light comes in for them, the darkness enters our lives. So fucking unfair. Sorry for the language.
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I’ve had this conversation so often with my husband. His life is so much better and mine (sometimes) feels so much worse.
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I completely agree with this post.
The saddest thing for me is that my husband could have been happy and I could still be happy IF he had just been honest with himself from the beginning.
His priorities, his logic, reasoning, so much of his thinking was screwed up. And on some level, before it became a landslide of deception, he recognized that but instead of addressing it he chose instead to minimize or ignore it.
The story of our marriage could have been so different if he had just opened his mouth and truly and honestly cared about us. Instead he gave more weight to what others thought of him – we started marriage counseling our first year but he stopped because he thought it would look bad if the people he worked with found out and because it meant scheduling around his work hours, which he wasn’t willing to do! Eventually he got to the point where he cared only about himself, and we all know too well where that selfseving thinki leads to.
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Oh yes, you hit the nail on the head here. We’ve talked many times about how this whole shit storm has actually given him “freedom from a life [of] shame and secrecy.” How his life is much more full, meaningful and happy than he has ever experienced before. Why did it take breaking me to fix him? Why?
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I’m so sorry HPM I laughed at the end because isn’t that the dam truth of it all.
Oh your so fucking happy to give up deceit and lies and your life can move on right??
That’s great.. oh I should be happy for you? because I used to be happy for you when you’re happy right? You’re used to that part.. oh your not used to me wanting to beat you down when you’re happy that your life is changing for the better??
Oh that makes you sad??
You know what makes me sad being around your stupid ass and the dumb things you say..
How about that.. ugh..
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Missing you Played. Missing your insight and brutal honesty. Hope you’re OK.
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