Another White Chip

In SLAA I guess whenever a sex addict realizes another behavior that they want to extinguish they can pick up a Day One white chip for that behavior and add it to their bottom line. That’s the thing about AA vs. SLAA, you can always be adding things to the bottom line as you identify problematic behavior you once saw as, “no big deal.”

The Player recently picked up a(nother) white chip because there was a woman at the SLAA meeting he was at and he learned something about himself when she spoke of her situation. I guess she was the only woman and when that happens they do small groups and she has to go with one of the groups, and it was The Player’s group. Early on he avoided women at the meetings and even went to men-only meetings.

Know what? I feel a little bit like women being at SLAA/SA/SAA meetings is like having an alcoholic anonymous meeting at a bar, but he assures me that women are fucked up just like he is and looking to recover and it’s not like a dating club. While he didn’t attend meetings with women early on or would just leave if a female was picked for his group, he’s “fine” with them being in the meetings and small groups every once in a while now. It doesn’t happen often that there is only one female, but did the day he picked up this chip. He picked it up because she mentioned something.

She talked about the inappropriate flirting she does with all men and how she wasn’t able to stop it with her boss, who was married (she was not). She said she lightly mentioned maybe they should tone it down and it’s like he turned it up a notch. She said it was hard because she doesn’t want to behave like this anymore and she was starting to try to avoid him and told of probably needing to find another job because it was so uncomfortable now.

The Player realized he did that with all of the women who have worked and do work for him. They would be inappropriate with each other back and forth. In fact, over the years I’ve mentioned he shouldn’t do that with them and he always played off like it wasn’t a big deal and called it “harmless,” and said that he “could tell if they were uncomfortable and they weren’t.” When this SLAA attendee told of her situation The Player said a light bulb went off and he decided it was completely unacceptable and made him wonder how many women felt pressured to flirt back because he was their boss. He’d venture to say a lot of them. He felt badly about his behavior with these women.

The same week as the boss/employee “flirting” realization he called me from the office and told me that on at least three occasions he had clear thoughts of something inappropriate he would have said if he were still doing those behaviors. He said, “Now that I’m conscious and thinking about what I say, I notice how many times just in one day I did it, even with women in passing, women I didn’t even know!”

If he’s playing me about this I’d be surprised. Well, that’s not true, I wouldn’t be surprised surprised because I’m not as fucking clueless as I used to be. But for this, I do think he is sincere. I guess he is making progress.

Huh.

I’m all, “Good for you!” except with zero enthusiasm and more exhaustion and not any exclamation points and possibly a double eye roll.

I guess this is what moving on looks like. For now.

PS I’ve recently decided even with acceptance – and I have a fair amount of that right now –  I can still fucking question the validity of sex addiction being a real thing. What can I say? I’m hardheaded.

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Another White Chip

  1. Isn’t if “funny” how long it takes them to “get” concepts that seem so obvious. Not funny ha, ha, of course. But, funny, FUCKED UP! Watching them get things is very exhausting, but I do personally very much believe in sex addiction. There is no way a person who is not an addict could “act” like my husband, no freaking way. Btw, a woman showed up at one of my husband’s early morning SA meetings last month, AND she brought a non-SA friend for support. My husband was the first there and had no idea what to do. Anyway, he said no one sat near them until the meeting became so crowded it was absolutely necessary. Some of these men have been sober for a decade or more. OMG!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know, I know but for the SA diagnosis I always come back to choice and how it could just be entitlement or lack of integrity. I’m sure it is an addiction but I admit I get hung up. The Player has said several things about why and how he did it and in many cases mindlessly did it for no reason for which he could explain. So I know. Addiction. Still though.

      They are so tiring.

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      • I guess my real confirmation of addiction comes from behavior my husband exhibits now, now that he is recovering and does not have his drug to medicate. In his case, I have zero doubt that he is a sex addict. At this point for me, there is no going back to why and how he did it, but in fact, watching him figure out how to live in his new reality is confirmation enough. It is crazyville on many days.

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      • No, I get it. I personally struggle with it. I’m not saying it’s not a thing, I’m just stay I continually struggle with the concept. I generally believe it because The Player does.

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  2. With the exception of people seeking sex daily/hourly by any means necessary (think hookers) I see “player” behavior(s) more like a personality disorder. Habits, compulsions, and beliefs that set in over time, and are very hard to break.

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    • He actually considers himself a “love” addict because he was seeking the admiration from the women and sees himself as codependent with women because he was afraid to lose that admiration and attention and made decisions based on that. He doesn’t have a personality disorder unless asshole is listed as one of them. SLAA is what he is I just struggle with term.

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  3. My SA husband was (is) the same. He used his ‘role’ as boss to make inappropriate comments all the time. It shocked me, especially when it was with his own kids! (seriously who talks about ‘rusty trombones’ with their children? – I had to look it up (Note: they are my grown stepkids btw anytime he tried to make inappropriate comments with my kids I put an instant stop to it and told him how wrong it was). Now i’ve learned that, that is their addiction literally spilling out. At his new(ish) job, where he is no longer in a boss role, he still managed to flirt and make inappropriate comments. It’s like the mating call for hot mess women, who think they are emancipated by their overt sexuality. He had to actual say to female coworkers who were thinking the game was still on “I have made a commitment to my marriage that I will no longer text with women other than my wife unless it is for business purposes.” (Good for him!) But of course I found an innocuous conversation with a female coworker that had nothing to do with work and had to point out that she was a hot mess he was opening a door to.

    As for women in the group, that’s another thing I struggle with. There is a small (3 guys) group locally that my H attends, as we live in a small city, but he also attends a much larger one in a larger city 2.5 hrs away. While they voted against a woman becoming a member in the small group, and he was one that was against it, I just found out a woman joined the larger group 2 months ago and he had “forgotten to mention it.” Forgotten? Or getting some sort of weird jollies from it, and not wanting to have his fun curtailed by a questioning wife?

    I too struggle with the SA diagnosis. Not that I don’t believe that it exists, just struggle whether he is one, or if he’s just a jerk who got caught with his pants down.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s it right? If our husbands are SAs (or SLAs I suppose) but I guess I struggle with his inability to address some of the issues and the pace at which he is doing it. I realize I can’t course his path, I do, but I struggle with this path of his.

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  4. The pace is an issue for me too. It has been 14 months today since D Day. (happy anti versary to me) and he’s been working on his 4th step for Four months?? When I asked him percentage wise how far he’s gotten on it he replied “about 5%.” WTF??

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