In SLAA I guess whenever a sex addict realizes another behavior that they want to extinguish they can pick up a Day One white chip for that behavior and add it to their bottom line. That’s the thing about AA vs. SLAA, you can always be adding things to the bottom line as you identify problematic behavior you once saw as, “no big deal.”
The Player recently picked up a(nother) white chip because there was a woman at the SLAA meeting he was at and he learned something about himself when she spoke of her situation. I guess she was the only woman and when that happens they do small groups and she has to go with one of the groups, and it was The Player’s group. Early on he avoided women at the meetings and even went to men-only meetings.
Know what? I feel a little bit like women being at SLAA/SA/SAA meetings is like having an alcoholic anonymous meeting at a bar, but he assures me that women are fucked up just like he is and looking to recover and it’s not like a dating club. While he didn’t attend meetings with women early on or would just leave if a female was picked for his group, he’s “fine” with them being in the meetings and small groups every once in a while now. It doesn’t happen often that there is only one female, but did the day he picked up this chip. He picked it up because she mentioned something.
She talked about the inappropriate flirting she does with all men and how she wasn’t able to stop it with her boss, who was married (she was not). She said she lightly mentioned maybe they should tone it down and it’s like he turned it up a notch. She said it was hard because she doesn’t want to behave like this anymore and she was starting to try to avoid him and told of probably needing to find another job because it was so uncomfortable now.
The Player realized he did that with all of the women who have worked and do work for him. They would be inappropriate with each other back and forth. In fact, over the years I’ve mentioned he shouldn’t do that with them and he always played off like it wasn’t a big deal and called it “harmless,” and said that he “could tell if they were uncomfortable and they weren’t.” When this SLAA attendee told of her situation The Player said a light bulb went off and he decided it was completely unacceptable and made him wonder how many women felt pressured to flirt back because he was their boss. He’d venture to say a lot of them. He felt badly about his behavior with these women.
The same week as the boss/employee “flirting” realization he called me from the office and told me that on at least three occasions he had clear thoughts of something inappropriate he would have said if he were still doing those behaviors. He said, “Now that I’m conscious and thinking about what I say, I notice how many times just in one day I did it, even with women in passing, women I didn’t even know!”
If he’s playing me about this I’d be surprised. Well, that’s not true, I wouldn’t be surprised surprised because I’m not as fucking clueless as I used to be. But for this, I do think he is sincere. I guess he is making progress.
I’m all, “Good for you!” except with zero enthusiasm and more exhaustion and not any exclamation points and possibly a double eye roll.
I guess this is what moving on looks like. For now.
PS I’ve recently decided even with acceptance – and I have a fair amount of that right now – I can still fucking question the validity of sex addiction being a real thing. What can I say? I’m hardheaded.