I’ve been doing well on the path I’m on lately. I can very nearly picture us surviving this bullshit – for how long, one never knows, do we? Hypnosis is helping with the trauma, joint therapy is helping us bond, talking things out with The Player and my ability to move past some things are helping us as a couple and helping me to not stay emersed in pain. Like I said, real progress. Or what I believe to be real progress because, as we all know, we can only control ourselves. To the best of my knowledge on what I see and is communicated to me, The Player is learning a lot by gaining insight into his issues that are helping explain why the fuck he did what he did. He shares all of that insight (his offering instead of 12-steps) with me.
Tonight I had a minor setback I’m sure I’ll move on from, but sometimes I seriously wonder how in the hell he did it. Like what did he have to tell himself to do it? To follow through with fucking them, taking them on dates, you know? To then call me after he fucked someone and act like all was well? What did he have to tell himself to take one of the whores to our retreat? Was it entitlement? Was it codependency (he’s learned he would do anything to keep them interested in him to feed that empty bottomless pit of self doubt)? What did he tell himself to do those things then come home and be a loving husband and father?
He said he’s still looking for answers to those questions I have. He said he won’t stop looking because things are better between us. He said he’s more of a whole person than he’s been in his entire life. I believe him. Like I said, I can (very nearly, almost for sure) picture us moving forward in a new life together.
Every once in a while the old life – the one he had without me – makes me doubt I have it in me to build a new life with him. Then I remember that I’m strong and feirce. I remember that I’ve survived the worst betrayal known to marriage, by someone I was supposed to trust the most. I remember that I’m not defined by what he’s done, I’m defined by what I do. I’ve let us try to put our family back together after giving him years – yes, years – to get his shit together.
That is nothing short of amazing by someone in my position.
So while these doubts creep in, in the form of visions of him with other women or questions I still have to what he told himself to be able to do it, I am focused. Only to heal and take care of myself. I am cautious but optimistic and I’m better prepared and can never be blindsided as I once was. I’m realistic in life but not living in fear.
There’s a lot he’s done to me and there’s a lot those whores did to me, but giving them my choice – no wait, my right to live well and happy? They are not getting that, no way. I am forever closed to that possibility.
If you think about it, it’s really the people who betray who will (if they aren’t sociopaths) end up having to live with the fact that they’ll always be the one who cheated. Always the one who betrayed. Always the one who created immeasurable pain to people who freely (and blindly, as with me, big sigh) gave themselves, their trust and vulnerability and placed it in their hands to protect.
Can you imagine living knowing you did that to someone you love? I can’t.
Of the two? I’ll take my path over The Player’s any day of the week. I’ll be able to some day let go (fully) of all the images I’ve worked hard to dismiss, and let go of the pain he caused, but The Player won’t ever be able to live without knowing he was the kind of person who crushed and killed the pure love in someone who trusted him most.