Blind spot. 

Earlier today we were doing something and I was triggered by a memory of something I know The Player did with the last whore so I texted him while he was out for an errand and said, “I’m a little triggered so I’m going to meditate.”

His reply? “Okay.”

He asked me a little while later how I was and I said “a little better.” He said nothing else. 

Later when I had a chance without any of the kids in the room, I said, “You know that (thing) we were doing earlier? I was thinking back to two years ago when we did that and how bold you two were. After d-day I remember finding the whore’s comment on your Facebook update about me and the kids.”

He gave me a compassionate look (I think) and said nothing. About an hour later we were both in the kitchen and I said, rather calmly and non-accusatory, “You know, I’m  wondering if you don’t know what to say, or if you don’t think about how it might be a good time to offer a little kindness and empathy when a situation arises and I’m sad by something you did.”

He said something about how he knows anything he says will never make up for what he’s done…and he said something about how he was sorry he missed two more chances to comfort me. 

I explained I didn’t need much. I wasn’t expecting to get into a huge  discussion at these moments but to get nothing from him is rather fascinating to me. I mean really, what the actual fuck is this?

When we have a scheduled “checkin” (I’ve grown to hate that fucking word) with each other he does better. He’s focused I guess? He’s on task, maybe? 

One of my last sessions (hypnosis isn’t really a long term thing) was focused on not being thrown for a loop or downward spiraling of emotions when The Player does something fucking stupid (like, for example, sit in bar for 9 hours, hand out phone number to woman, not siez a moment to show me empathy, etc.). The hypnotist reasoned after all, I shouldn’t be surprised he’s capable of being fucking stupid, should I? I should expect what I need and firm boundaries in place, but letting his behavior dictate my happiness and mental state is just wrong. My hypnotist was right. Since that session and listening a couple of times to that session, I was able to talk calmly, not let it mess with my head, not let it mess with my day or evening. 

Now this doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences if he’s fucking stupid. I’ve started a written boundaries list and the consequences list, should he choose to be stupid again (bar/woman/number). Immediate move out of our bedroom and a halt on reconcilation. Space for me, both physical and emotional. 

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6 thoughts on “Blind spot. 

  1. Yes, spell it out, so there is no confusion what will happen next time when he is sitting in a bar for 9 hours drinking and gives his number to a woman… next time he will know just exactly what the consequences are for that behavior, regardless of whether he thinks it is destructive or not. Seems silly doesn’t it? But they have been making poor decisions for many years. I don’t know why I am surprised any more by BE’s behavior, other than the fact that I am hoping some day he actually gets it and stops being a stupid fucking idiot. And truth be told, he is getting it, but you know, not all of it and not all the time, and certainly not as fast as an intelligent adult should be getting it, right? I wonder how much of the time spent with him now that I have this sort of questioning look on my face, like how can you not be getting this yet???? I kind of wish someone was following us both around. I think seeing it play out, like on a TV show would be an eye opening experience for my husband. He seems so aware of other people’s “bad” behavior. Maybe if someone filmed him and showed him his own, he could see it better? Frustrating!!!

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    • I have wondered if recording him just talking to me and letting him listen would help? Because really, he’s not a stupid man. But he just is so dumb. How is that possible? It’s one of life’s great mysteries for me now.

      I won’t lie, half the time when we’re in the middle of discussing empathy I just wonder if this is worth it? He’s done some work on why he is the way he is and I know he’s made progress on figuring out why he took those experiences with (ugh) childhood and wrapped up his confidence in the attention of other women, both in just attention and sex. Is that enough? Will that be enough for me? Probably not. However, since last January I’ve been talking about how the empathy and sensitivity are lacking… and still no better? Almost a YEAR of me and his CSAT telling him how to and when to provide empathy.

      It’s grueling and today, I’m meh about him and this.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Dug for a worksheet someone’s therapist – one of the few – gave me. We will see! I told him during our next checkin we could go over it so he understands. Because, no means no with any kind of personal contact with women. What is so hard about that concept?

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  2. Great setting of boundaries and consequences! My therapist and I talked about how my boundary list will be a fluid thing. There will probably always be things that have to be added or modified, and hopefully, eventually, things that can be deleted. Unfortunately we are still in the addition stage too.

    And P is great at seeing all the idiot actions of others and judging them but not even considering what he did. Nothing like the pot calling the kettle black!

    And my last thought – how much of their “not getting it” is because, after all, they are men. We talked about that one in therapy too. P definitely doesn’t think well on his feet about anything emotional but needs time to think about it, process it, and then he gets it. And sometimes it doesn’t get that far because whatever happened didn’t even register on his radar. I get so tired of having to point things out to him. For instance, a few years ago before our “second round” we were touring homes for one of those builders showcase events and happened to be near where one of the OW lived. He chose not to acknowledge it and I had thought I’d be able to handle it. If he had just acknowledged it, there wouldn’t have been an issue. He said after the fact and an hour of discussion, that he had thought if he brought it up, it would have triggered me and ruined my day. As though I wouldn’t think of it on my own? They don’t get that simply acknowledging it would have defused the emotional bomb before it exploded!

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    • I do wonder, quite a lot actually, if they can really flex this muscle and have it grow. It’s atrophied or something but it’s going take serious hard work to do it.

      Before he left to take the kids to school, he sat down besides me and said, “I know you are frustrated with how long it is taking me to change the way I do things and I am so sorry. Thank you for staying and giving us a chance to rebuild our marriage. I promise to be more aware of what is going on around me with you to be more sensitive and emphatic.”

      All I could say was, “Okay.” And an hour later I texted him, “Thanks for saying that this morning.” I sent that because it was nice (cheerleader much?) but really just feel meh about it all

      Like

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