Merging Lies with Everyday Life

That was some day nearly a year ago that I learned the depth of the betrayals. My marriage of 20 years was with a serial cheater. A betrayer. For the last 20 years he will tell you he was also a devoted husband and father. He will tell you that his life with me is real.

How is that possible?

He’s taken time away from me and his children to fulfill a desire to have women adore him. He’s spent extra time on the road. He’s lied on the phone so he could have the life he wanted to on the road. He put his energy into other women. He continued all of the relationships in some form, even while not sexual, with the women he had sex with, in order to satisfy his insatiable need for attention and adoration.

He also took a lot of time away from his family because he spent a lot of energy covering his tracks, even introducing me to a couple of women he had sex with, or having sex with one woman I personally knew. But the women closest to him in work became the ones who “adored” him and therefore easily fuckable, apparently.

I guess he felt guilty, but you’d have to tell me how that manifested itself because guilt didn’t stop him and it didn’t change the direction of his time and affection. He was increasing his extra bold extra marital affairs. The affairs were getting closer together and overlapping. The last affair he brought into our daily life, sitting right beside me in bed while I was asleep, talking about how much he cared for her. He was caught and spent another few months trying to continue the affair because he doesn’t know why, but “he just couldn’t let it go.”

I will tell you why he couldn’t let it go. He wanted the feeling of being desired more than his family. He wanted the feeling of being desired more than the wanted his children to look up to an honest and honorable father. He wanted the feeling of being desired more than the wanted to tell the truth and be an honest person. He didn’t want to let go of the feeling the other women gave him. He put himself first during this time, not unlike the 20 years prior, so it really shouldn’t come as a surprise.

The sex with other people, I could probably get over with remorse and hard work on himself. The lies? The betrayals? I am not so sure. What makes a person lie? What do they have to tell themselves to keep doing it?

What was my husband thinking about when he was calling me from our vacation home on a trip with one of the whores? I’d strongly encouraged him to take the trip because of the pressure he was under at work. She sat beside him as we talked about our day, the kids’ school day. What was he thinking when he called me when there was another woman in the house waiting for him to fuck her? What was he thinking as he opened the car door for her on a dates to our favorite restaurants? Or holding her hand on the the very same walking path we laughed on?

What was he thinking on all the other nights as he would talk to me to get the call him over with, only to have the evening to himself and one of his affair partners? Was there a woman sitting on or laying in his hotel bed while he made his call? He’d call home, tell me he loved me and then head down to the bar so he could laugh and drink it up and get one of the willing vaginas to come up or invite him up to their rooms.

He never really ended any of the affairs, in fact, he remained friendly with them all. He remained flirty and fun and interested in them. What did all of these women have in common? The adored him and were willing. But he didn’t let them go. From what I understand the sex wasn’t anything magical or special, in fact, he had some performance anxiety (guilty much?) on several of the occasions. I’d be stupid not to admit, that gives me a little thrill.

I can’t accept he had a real life with me in our shared tragedy and celebrations without acknowledging he was also the liar, cheater and betrayer. How do I merge those two lives?

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11 thoughts on “Merging Lies with Everyday Life

  1. I ask myself all of these same questions every single day. It’s like you’re inside of my head. I’ve heard the compartmentalizing excuse, but is it really possible to compartmentalize to that extreme? I don’t think so. I think they’re cake eaters- they knew what they were doing and like their cake too much to stop.

    It’s so incredibly painful, I know. For those of us who were faithful in marriage, it’s a concept I don’t think we’ll ever be able to understand and I don’t think we’ll ever get over the lies and betrayals. If we stay with our cheating spouses, it’s a resignation of sorts, not an understanding of what they’ve done.

    I also ask myself constantly why any woman would do what these whores did. How could they feel good about going on vacations with a married man? Knowing he’d go home and live his real life with his wife and children? And even if they had no respect for you or for your marriage, what about your children? How can they not realize that what they’re doing is impacting innocent children? I’ll never ever understand and I never want to. I never want to have a moment where it makes any sense to me, where I can relate to the selfishness of either a cheater or a mistress.

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    • You’re absolutely right, we cannot, as moral, ethical people, understand how someone like our cheaters or their partners could do what they do. That will never get easier. There’s just a lot of learning to live with it, I think.

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  2. I do the same thing. I don’t understand how he could have always loved me, always thought I was what he wanted, never even considered a life without me (let alone one with her), and still have managed to do all the things he did to cheat (the lies, the I love yous, the pretty girl). But it’s because we don’t think like that. That’s not the role these stupid whores had. They knew their purpose. We elevate them and give more meaning to them than they give themselves and definitely more than our husbands gave them.
    But you know what? He stayed. He likes this life with me. And I have made it clear that while I forgive him, this is a one-time-use thing. And, he took a polygraph regarding the above and he passed. He loved me. He never even thought about leaving me.
    Only none of that makes my heart hurt any less. I don’t know what it means if he was willing to throw away our marriage over someone who meant nothing. The only explanation is selfishness, and right now I am trying to work on improving his sense of equity and thoughtfulness as well as our communication so that his selfishness doesn’t ruin us again. He can’t stand to see me hurt but I guess he avoided that by lying and hiding and doing what he wanted to do instead of just not doing things that would hurt me.
    And I can’t begin to understand the OW. I tried. They defy all logic.

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  3. He can’t answer your questions – he is riddled with shame & guilt. The psychology of his behaviour is highly complicated and he needs help. I want to call him all the bastard names I can and yes I find the women despicable but this won’t help you in your pain. This is the worst time – the aligning what you thought was your life with the reality of what was going on with him. Like a split computer screen of two images where you spot the differences. This why, how and anger will thunder in your head. God, I know the physical and mental anguish and isolation

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    • I think calling them names – both he and the whores – makes me feel better. It helps the pain and thoughts go through me instead of staying buried. I do not make my husband’s life miserable, he’s pretty lucky actually. His life has only changed in how I see him and he sees himself I figure I’m allowed name calling. I don’t even do it to him directly. Mostly.

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      • Whatever helps has to be done! I named my husband’s skank Pig Shit and it has stuck. I like it, plus I think she has pig type features. Her real name is Jo (puke, puke, puke!) but I say it in the French manner – Ho! That suits the bitch as well. Cretin for my husband on a good day!!!! You are definitely allowed. We all are!

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  4. BUT dies he want to change? Can he step up to the plate? Is he prepared to help you heal and if he is are you prepared? My heart reaches out to you, I can offer no sage words to help you through this dreadful time but I can say that it will not be like this for ever xxx

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    • Yep. He sure does. Will he? Remains to be seen. With the relapse rate almost 100% odds are against him. But at least now I know I’m with a cheater, you know? I know I’ll survive. My kids don’t deserve this any more than I do, but they deserve it even less. It’s my literal job to protect them when possible. He’s got the resources in place, patience (mostly) of the betrayed, so we shall see.

      Liked by 2 people

      • It’s great to hear that you know that you will survive. Your writing gives me the sense that you are a strong, intelligent, articulate woman who recognises the mountain to climb. Here’s to you 🙂

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