As I look back over the last 25 years of my life with The Player, I often get stuck. My mind is realistic and knows that The Player wasn’t present In all the ways a husband should be during the entire marriage. Sure, he says he was in it and I suppose he went through the motions of being in it, but a big piece of him – the unhappy side that couldn’t cope with life’s challenges that so many people cope with everyday – wasn’t in it.
I think of a particular horrible time for us because of a personal, shared crisis. He came home from traveling to find me utterly broken and inconsolable. He wrapped his arms around me, reaffirmed that we would get through the crisis together, and he made me feel like we were on a team. He made me believe that we could handle this – that I could handle it. Was that a lie? Or was he present in that moment only to leave town the next week to charm a friend and fuck her? He says he was present, that he just “had this other side” to himself that was bad and wrong in very small blips of time. He even added up what he thought to be just a few months of actual time away to cheat added up together as if that would make me feel better because I had him almost all the time!
I think about our current situation of the shitty back and forth of reconciliation and the question of are we the fuck in it or out of it and I always stumble back to that inconsolable night. I miss that closeness with the husband I thought I had. I miss knowing, without a doubt, he put his family first and would do anything for us. I miss the way he made me feel like he had my back, like he believed in me and us as a family unit.
I brought that horrible time up and the closeness I felt in that moment while with The Player and the therapist and spoke about how I want that again. It was on that day about a month ago that we left the therapist’s office and I agreed to reconcile.
I thought that would put us on a new path but here we are. Here I am. Not only am I on the outside of anything he is doing right now, I am alone in the marriage, and that closeness I felt on that horrible night with him ten years ago is gone.
I fear he is slowly but surely squelching any chance of that closeness right out of me. I haven’t been thinking about ways to live with him and the betrayals to move forward, I’ve been thinking how we can live as co-parents as a (new kind) family, but not in a marriage.
Those thoughts in my head are real, that much I know.