I don’t do waiting well.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows I’m not a patient person. It’s just been a little over a week since The Player lost his shit and so now I wait. Mutherfucking again. I wait. I fucking hate it. I am changing the more he makes me wait.

I have been waiting for a long time for him to find his shit. It is getting old, but yet, here I sit. Somewhere around 4 hours after I went to sleep and hours before I need to get up and I contemplate why I wait.

The main reason I stare up at near blackness above me is because I wonder if I am here because I am afraid to be alone. I dismiss it as quickly as it enters my mind because I know that I would leave and be fine if it weren’t for our children. Their happiness is my happiness. I cannot be fine if they are not fine, I don’t care how many therapists say, “You know they’ll be okay, don’t you?” No, I don’t because they won’t be “fine.”

I can stay right now because there is progress, albeit slow. Also, I guess, because there is no more acting out, “At least I don’t have to deal with that right now, too,” I think to myself. My kids are worth all the tries I can give to their dad but he is not making it easy. I don’t know how long I can stand the emotional whiplash he insists on placing on me but I am truly living One Day at a Time, a favorite saying of someone I love, who has maintained many, many years of sobriety. Or I could be living an Hour at a Time, or maybe a Minute at a Time, I am unsure.

My patience and what love I thought I had for him is thinning and I can feel the change taking place as I wait for him to be able to handle his life better. I am letting go as I wait for him to work through his daddy issues, as I wait for him to handle stress without wanting to be numbed by the giggles and vaginas of other women. I can feel a change in me as I wait for him to act like a moral, decent human, I can feel myself letting go.

No matter what I tell myself, or him for that matter, I think I might be letting him go. Even while letting go, I know I will figure out how to live in this marriage – even in name only – to create a peaceful and loving home for my children. I start crying at the thought of staying in a marriage with a partner who causes me so much pain.

So I look up at blackness above me.

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6 thoughts on “I don’t do waiting well.

  1. Your commitment to your husband and children is admirable. I truly respect how much you love your family. Just don’t forget to love yourself just as much. You only get this one life and you only get to control yourself. You obviously are an incredible mom and woman and you deserve happiness. Don’t forget that! Wishing you luck and courage!

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    • Thanks for saying that, I do love my kids a lot and I guess I love The Player too as much as you can love someone you thought was one way and isn’t really (moral person of good character).

      I am caring for myself because it’s important I don’t crumble under the weight of uncertainty. My kids need one parent healthy – and that’s me. I love them and am keeping my head above water for them. If I didn’t have them, I’d be under a blanket being rocked back and forth by a loved one.

      I hope we can heal the marriage for the kids but if we can’t, I’m facing other realities of co-parenting under one roof without a marriage.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly. Even just a little over week into this (time because this is not new), I’m feeling more detached than before. When I’m upset and crying (in private) it is because I am letting him go, not because I’m longing for things to be different right now.

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  2. I felt these same feelings. Although my kids were technically grown last year, our younger had returned from college back east and was(is) living at home attending local university and working for our company. The difference… he knew the truth. Both our boys did from the first week. Obviously things don’t work this way for everyone. Even still, I think a piece of me didn’t want my son to have to go through us separating and living apart during my husband’s theoretical initial stages of recovery. I did feel like I was distancing and letting go as my husband struggled to take hold of his own life, in reality, and began his solid path to recovery. He eventually did figure it out. I no longer feel tied to his recovery or his every day struggles with it. He communicates openly now and although things aren’t perfect, he is trying hard to understand what he has done and what he needs to do and we have found that place of balance where I no longer expect him to rescue me from my unhappiness and he no longer depends on me so much for emotional stability. It took months of self reflection (which was slow and painful for him) and his regular attendance at SA meetings and consistent therapy appointments, plus his adding buddhism and buddhist meditation to his life for a spiritual component, something new and just for him. We never slept apart, but I think that actually just prolonged the time it took. Even if I was in pain, I was right there next to him and I believe that gave him a false sense of comfort. He is not used to doing anything for himself without his workaholism and sexaholism. Finally, he is changing and therefore, so am I. I no longer see doom and gloom. He no longer hides inside himself all the time (sometimes he still does, we are not even at 2 years yet). I guess after all this what I am trying to say is something you very much already know… it takes time and consistently changing of habits on their part. We want them to change overnight. We want them to miraculously heal themselves and yet we know that isn’t going to happen. What they did was bad, very bad for us. But the same things that allowed them to do what they did in the first place are still there. The rationalizations and compartmentalizing are still ruling their brain. It takes time to peel it away and change the thinking and the behavior. It’s okay to pull away. If a better man shows up eventually (I mean The Player, not another man), you can evaluate how you feel at that time. Be good to yourself. The thing the kids can sense, unhappiness. No matter how we try to hide it, they are smart, intuitive beings even if they are teenagers. This is such a fucking awful place to be. I know the trauma held me back until BE finally really truly entered recovery and he didn’t do that until I backed off and away from what he needed to accomplish on his own. I know you are in a difficult place and I wish you strength. ❤

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  3. Bless you. I get everything you’ve written – I don’t do waiting very well either… We did separate (I was pregnant and worried the stress of being around him would make me lose baby as he was still carrying on affair) But I waited for over a year…. Because of our kids…And then I started to let go …and now he is starting to panic…
    Sending you hugs and strength xx

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