I do not like that we share a bed all of a sudden. I think in the next couple of days I need to decide if one of us moving out of the bedroom makes sense to me. I want to take my time to decide because I don’t want to do it out of spite. If I do it I want to do it because it will help me.
It’s ever more apparent that he is unable to meet my needs. Someone asked me if he is working “his program” for sex addiction. I have to answer that honestly. He is and boy is it ever his program. It’s nothing like I’ve seen other 12-steppers work a program but I realize not everyone is the same or needs the same or goes about working a program the same way.
There’s a reason he is still in the home. He is, by all I can tell, attending group, CSAT individual counseling, and one meeting a week. He hasn’t seen his sponsor in about a month and as far as he last told me, his sponsor has him working on a “resentment and fear list.” I haven’t seen it, don’t want to. But that is the last I heard of something he was working on for the program.
The Player is just moving at a fucking snail’s baby’s pace and that it is infuriating because I feel like I have suffered enough and put up with enough bullshit that he ought to fight like hell to work fast. I know I can’t make him work faster or a different way and honestly, I don’t want to. I don’t want to because I want his recovery to be authentic and to be authentic (if he can recover) he has to find his own way.
I want him to want to move quickly. I want him to want to fix himself. I want him to get his ass in gear and go to meetings and work on the work his sponsor is requesting but he isn’t doing it at a pace that works for me. So what am I to do?
Goddammit, it means distance again.
I think the distance by me is warranted. The Player wanted to rush it with me probably by pushing me into “reconciliation” and I let him, but not again. Not again until he shows progress in working through some steps, progress with managing his stress, and progress managing his sobriety.
I knew this would be a long haul (CSAT said to expect 3-5 years for turmoil for myself because of the length and level of the deception). I’ve been in this fucking shit nearly a year (CSAT only counts last lie as start date) so there is a long way to go, if I believe the CSAT and I do believe him.
At this point, I know if I didn’t have kids, I’d have left him and I’m willing to bet he knows that too. When he’s not meeting my needs emotionally as a husband or as a remorseful husband hoping to rebuild his marriage, I’m daydreaming. I’m daydreaming of a life where I’ve happy moved on from The Player and his slow ass fucking recovery journey.
He’s got a long way to go to stop those daydreams of mine and to help me start some other dreams that include him as my spouse.
Because right now? I want to tell any one or all of the
ladies friends free whores of his they are welcome to come and pickup and keep his sorry, pathetic, cheating, lying, mutherfucking ass.