Monday at our regular check-in, The Player was ready at seven. He’d mentioned it the night before. He wanted me to know it was important to him. He wanted me to know that he was all over it.
Then is was 7am and he started giving me his run down…
He was feeling down and not able to snap out of it. Check!
He had legit reasons for missing group and therapy and SLAA meetings. Check!
He had no issues of slips or relapses. Check! Check!
He told me he wanted to stay in bed all weekend and wanted to sleep. Check!
As he was talking to me he was looking tired. Like he was going to fall asleep. I said, “Don’t take this the wrong way but you look horrible. You look like you will fall asleep when I am talking to you. I know you wanted to do this for me and I appreciate your commitment to do it, but I can’t in good conscious ask you questions or make statements about it to you. You can’t handle it. I can tell. You’re not at a place where you can receive it from me in a way in which I need.”
He didn’t disagree. He wanted to be there for me but he was losing his shit. Work is hell. He feels pressure about me and the kids. He came unglued and I became worried for him. I asked him if he was suicidal. He said no. While he was getting ready for work I sent a note to his CSAT to give him a heads up. I made him promise to call him or any of the men in group or the program. Or even his sponsor. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to tell them I need.” I told him it didn’t matter. Just let them be there for him.
He did set up an appointment and I went with him. It was about him and what he was going through. It was good for him to share. I said very little.
His CSAT suggested that he is under stress and is unable to act out now that he is in recovery and this is very likely the first time it’s been this bad for him and he hasn’t been able to numb himself with scummy whore women who adore him.
Or that is what I believe. The fact of the matter is that he isn’t able to give me what I need. He can’t even fucking say, “Thanks wonderful wife of mine, the same wife who I betrayed for 20 years. Thank you for having the staying power and strength you do to be able to weather these storms with me in my darkest hour. Thank you for loving me with great tenacity that is allowing you to have compassion for me at my weakest. I’m sorry I am unable to give back to you right now. But I am trying to be well and be the husband you deserve. Thank you for staying and fighting for me and for us.”
Would that be so damn hard? Is the best he can come up with, “I’m sorry, I will get it together.”
So he came to bed and wanted to have sex. For the first time ever – or at least the first time I can remember 10 or 15 years I said, “No. I can’t do it. It will be fake closeness because you aren’t really there for me and meeting my needs right now.”
What can I expect and when? Is it just all about him and the grand work he is doing? I need him there for me, too. I asked him if he could give me the support I need right now. He finally had to say he probably couldn’t. So I broke down crying because I don’t know what I can expect from him.
This is the exact reason I pulled back in April and did real distance. I KNEW he didn’t have enough for me but I let him make me believe he did.
I’m so fucking stupid. I am right back where I started.
I have no fucking idea what the hell we are doing. Are we reconciling? Or not? Can you just pause reconcilation?
This is such billshit. I’m so over it.