It can change on a dime. 

Monday at our regular check-in, The Player was ready at seven. He’d mentioned it the night before. He wanted me to know it was important to him. He wanted me to know that he was all over it.

Then is was 7am and he started giving me his run down…

He was feeling down and not able to snap out of it. Check!

He had legit reasons for missing group and therapy and SLAA meetings. Check!

He had no issues of slips or relapses. Check! Check!

He told me he wanted to stay in bed all weekend and wanted to sleep. Check!

As he was talking to me he was looking tired. Like he was going to fall asleep. I said, “Don’t take this the wrong way but you look horrible. You look like you will fall asleep when I am talking to you. I know you wanted to do this for me and I appreciate your commitment to do it, but I can’t in good conscious ask you questions or make statements about it to you. You can’t handle it. I can tell. You’re not at a place where you can receive it from me in a way in which I need.”

He didn’t disagree. He wanted to be there for me but he was losing his shit. Work is hell. He feels pressure about me and the kids. He came unglued and I became worried for him. I asked him if he was suicidal. He said no. While he was getting ready for work I sent a note to his CSAT to give him a heads up. I made him promise to call him or any of the men in group or the program. Or even his sponsor. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to tell them I need.” I told him it didn’t matter. Just let them be there for him.

He did set up an appointment and I went with him. It was about him and what he was going through. It was good for him to share. I said very little.

His CSAT suggested that he is under stress and is unable to act out now that he is in recovery and this is very  likely the first time it’s been this bad for him and he hasn’t been able to numb himself with scummy whore women who adore him.

BINGO.

Or that is what I believe. The fact of the matter is that he isn’t able to give me what I need. He can’t even fucking say, “Thanks wonderful wife of mine, the same wife who I betrayed for 20 years. Thank you for having the staying power and strength you do to be able to weather these storms with me in my darkest hour. Thank you for loving me with great tenacity that is allowing you to have compassion for me at my weakest. I’m sorry I am unable to give back to you right now. But I am trying to be well and be the husband you deserve. Thank you for staying and fighting for me and for us.”

Would that be so damn hard? Is the best he can come up with, “I’m sorry, I will get it together.”

So he came to bed and wanted to have sex. For the first time ever – or at least the first time I can remember 10 or 15 years I said, “No. I can’t do it. It will be fake closeness because you aren’t really there for me and meeting my needs right now.”

What can I expect and when? Is it just all about him and the grand work he is doing? I need him there for me, too. I asked him if he could give me the support I need right now. He finally had to say he probably couldn’t.  So I broke down crying because I don’t know what I can expect from him.

This is the exact reason I pulled back in April and did real distance. I KNEW he didn’t have enough for me but I let him make me believe he did.

I’m so fucking stupid. I am right back where I started.

I have no fucking idea what the hell we are doing. Are we reconciling? Or not? Can you just pause reconcilation?

This is such billshit. I’m so over it.

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3 thoughts on “It can change on a dime. 

  1. I have been here in exactly this same place. I am still there is some ways on some days, because you know… it takes years, blah, blah, blah. I wonder if a conversation where neither of you are ungrounded (I know, I know, when does that ever happen?) where you explain to him that because he still needs to work on himself in order to be the partner you need, you will be pulling back and working on yourself. Maybe it is not about reconciling or not reconciling… maybe it is about working individually on yourselves for a while. And regarding the sex, I had to shut it down when I felt like he was self medicating. Obviously it is not the same kind of secret sick sex they had with the whores, but we are still there to numb them. I remember when I started to realize the difference and we talked about it… but I tried to put it back on him in a gentle way… as in, “I think you want sex to medicate because you feel ungrounded,” versus “I don’t want to have sex with you because you aren’t fulfilling my emotional needs.” Whenever I say something to my husband about him not fulfilling my needs, I believe he goes back into that place of self pity, and possibly even gets all the way to shame sometimes, but I think most of the time he just feels sorry for himself. Life is so tough for him, boo hoo. It does take a long time before they stop using us as a pacifier. I see much more self reliance now from him. Our conversations now are about him working mostly full days and how tough it gets during the day and what he does to not go to the addiction. When they partially have that drug right in their head, it is a bitch. I think that is why they say sex addiction (a process addiction) can be more difficult to conquer than substance abuse. You have to actually take in the substance, but with sex addiction, they can get hits right out of their memory. Learning to change those thoughts out and not let them escalate appears to be incredibly difficult. Blue Eyes has taken to immediately going to his books, his self affirmations, his buddhist prayers (or whatever they’re called). He knows what he needs to do now to not let the addiction in. It has taken him months and months to get to this point. He had such a fear of going back to work because he knew that was the place where he rationalized being able to have all those sexual thoughts… getting a quick hit off a porn image, thinking and planning an out of town trip in his mind and then thinking about how it would all go… inviting her on the trip, the sexting, the emailing, the phone calls, and then finally the sex and then the hangover and the wanting her out of his life as soon as it was over. I hate that I understand this shit so well. But I do. I understand him, in fact, but that hurt us a lot until a few months ago. I have this desire to fix people. I wanted him to know I knew how it had happened. Now all I focus on is that he is positively redirecting himself and that he is not making me ungrounded within his own recovery. This is an incredibly long and bumpy road and there are no guarantees. I know it feels like shit because they treated us like shit. It is time they take responsibility for themselves. Do the next right thing, use your instincts about what you need and leave him to his recovery without making him feel like he is being punished? Does that make sense? Writing this out is helping me too. ❤

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    • As usual, you make excellent points!

      Last night I said, “I’m just not in a sexy place tonight, it’s not punishment, I promise. I just need a day to wrap my head around some things.”

      He admitted he doesn’t have enough in reserves to give me what I need. Maybe it’s wrong but I don’t really care if he feels bad or shameful or whatever, because after all, he did create this environment we live in today. He has made me deal with the fallout. If he feels bad because I’m telling him he isn’t meeting my needs, I guess I think, “Oh well.” My thinking on that is that me telling him is an authentic act by me. I can keep plugging away at my own healing, which is mine to own. I can’t and haven’t been trying to direct his recovery, just observing and making notes for myself. I’m not willing to live with him in certain situations…

      I’m getting emotional whiplash from him. I want this to stop…

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  2. Kat has given good advice here. It does sound like you are in a massively painful place. So lonely without his support but don’t question the reconciliation. There is no set path and so often we feel all at sea. Sometimes we just need to let go of the wanting progress and accept the lulls. Set down your anchor – look after yourself and wait for him to settle into a better rhythm with you. It takes so much more time than we imagine. Keep strong.

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