Hell no, mutherfucker.

So, I found myself pulled back into therapy with The Player. I take responsibility for letting it happen. I don’t even know how he did it, but he got me there for three visits/weeks in a row. The second and third times it was a waste of time, in my view. The second visit I stood up abruptly while they were ending talking about money and the next appointment to a stunned CSAT’s face. He said, “Are you leaving?!” I said I was and The Player asked me to wait in the parking lot because we’d driven separate cars.

As mentioned in the pervious post, we’ve had an ongoing disagreement with his saying the relationships with the whores weren’t “relationships” and that over the many years he knew them as friends he didn’t consider them dangerous friendships until they turned erotic or sexual until very much later. I voiced my strong opinion that even if he wasn’t getting fucked or using fantasy with/about them as an “escape,” then the relationships were fine. He argued they were “safe” even. He could do that now, just be friends with women because 1) He knows what he can’t do and 2) He’s “solid” in his recovery. He believes he could have friendships with women in the future and be “safe” from sexually acting out.

Besides him fucking other women or planning to fuck or talking about fucking other women (because DUH), I’ve found I have a deal breaker, or as I like to say, a “Hell No, Mutherfucker Requirement.” No way am I okay with him having women as friends. Ever. Not up for negotiation. Period. We had a lengthy discussion in therapy about this and the CSAT talked about it being impossible to avoid business contact with women. I guess he thought I was stupid because of course, I said, there isn’t a way to avoid women in business but I do see a difference in The Player doing business with women and The Player being the spontaneous, flirty, complimentary, “friend” that makes all the (homely especially) women swoon over him. I argued well, I think, that the reason he could insert his “dick in the vaginas” of several women, several times is because he laid the groundwork for it during the friendship years with the giggling and back and forth ego kibbles.

He wasn’t addressing the future personal friendship with women thing, not really. I felt like the CSAT and he were kind of ganging up on me about it, as the CSAT was saying The Player was “doing really hard, great work.” That’s all well and good and yahoo for him, I said, “I feel like you two want me to recognize how great The Player is by the work he’s doing but let’s not forget he got us into this mess.” It pissed me off The Player kept saying, “That’s not what I’m focused on right now in my recovery. I’m focused on fixing the why so I never get to that point again.” I was pissed off because he wasn’t doing something I needed from him in order to move forward. I said in therapy and directly, “I will NEVER be comfortable with you having female friends outside of our marriage! Never. If that is something you feel you need and deserve, then you’ll have to do it without me. You may very well be able to “handle” it because you’re “solid” but it doesn’t make me feel safe to reconcile with you. I feel like you are being selfish and it’s all about you – like it has been for some months now – and that MY needs aren’t as important. I’m telling you this is something I need and I’m hurt and pissed you don’t want to give it to me.”

So, the last blog post early July we had decided on weekly check-ins as was recommended by our CSAT. They’ve been going fine, he just shares where he is in recovery and if there’ve been any threats, slips or relapses since the last check-in. He’s been (he says) 100% honest about his recovery since November 2014 and I still know all the details. No more remembered instances of his dick landing in any vaginas since he was found out. I guess it’s good to have them somewhat structured instead of a free for all.

So, during our check in last week we talked about the pretend future friendships with women issue and he said he rethought it and it was a boundary he was okay with if it made me feel better and safe. He said he was wrong. If he felt he was getting friendly with a woman, we would address it right then.

In the few days after that I decided to tell him we’re reconciling. I feel I’m settling, but I was all along because I did want to stay because of our children. He’s done a lot of hard work and he has more to do. Limbo was killing me and hurting the way I was mothering, hell, it was hurting the way I was human-ing.

So, it’s complicated but he needed me to say “reconcile” and I needed to be out of limbo. So we both win in this shitty, fuckedupness of infidelity. Yay for me! I won back a cheater! I know, it’s sarcastic because that’s the way I am coping right now. In all seriousness, I am somewhat at peace with it all. I had to make some peace in order to stay.

On to the trials and tribulations of true (as much as I can believe he is in) reconciliation.

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12 thoughts on “Hell no, mutherfucker.

  1. I love it though… because his shallow self only needed to hear the word “reconcile” and yet, you don’t actually have to. You can line up your ducks and test… and test… and organize. And he’s too shallow to know the difference. You can go toward the goal of a great life – making yourself secure to provide stability for you and your children – while he thinks everything’s fine and the benefit of two incomes/”shared” finances/childcare can be manipulated into your favor… IF you decide that you’re just done.

    Every time I think about it, I’m gleeful. They made choices that broke us… we are making choices that restore us. The scales balance eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, all true.

      As otherwise normal, healthy, moral people, we feel like we have to commit and keep that commitment but there are new rules and well, he broke us, and I have the right to proceed with caution.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am struck by your choice of words in feeling that you are settling. My husband says that part of the reason he had an affair is that he truly thought I didn’t love him anymore and that I was out of his league and that I had settled for him. I find that ridiculous, as I never felt that way at all. Until now. Because like you, now I’m settling. For a cheater. That’s not what I wanted. I don’t want to win a cheater. But if I want him, then that’s what I get. So he made that our reality, and now, he’s right. Settling sucks.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I know that feeling of being in a room with my husband and a CSAT and feeling ganged up on. Not fun! Everyone wants the addict to be encouraged to continue the hard work towards recovering and they seemingly forget our lives have literally been turned upside down. THEY knew they were doing all these horrible things. We were blindsided. Give us a break for a change. I think I wrote a post titled that. LOL. Yes, standing your ground on the female relationship thing, very important. In my experience, “solid” doesn’t come around for quite some time… I haven’t seen it yet. Delusional? Why yes, they are solidly delusional and can rationalize anything. They’ve been doing it for so many years, they are pros at it. My husband is also off all social media. I know they can get to all that stuff if they really want to, but it is more the willingness to do what I ask, what makes me feel safe, without questioning it or being defensive or putting up a fight, at least for now. I still get the looks, of “really” and you want me to do that, why? And my response is because I require it. Remember me, the one who didn’t do anything wrong. I hope you are able to go from settling to working on something worth working for sometime soon. I am still working at that. This blows!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Best sentence ever from you: “Delusional? Why yes, they are solidly delusional and can rationalize anything.”

      He is so delusional – what a great word. He is just so selfish and he doesn’t even see it. He just wants us to all pat him on the head and tell him “Good boy!” when all I really want to do is scream and cry at him. Also, I might like to punch him in the face.

      I hope I can move on from settling too. But that seems pretty hard in my head, because it will always be true now. I can’t ever picture me saying, “I’m so glad I stayed with you!” out of pure happiness and love for him. I’m glad I’m staying for my kids. That’s all I’ve got.

      Liked by 1 person

      • If he is like my husband, he will get to the point where he does just about anything without questioning. I think if they really embrace the 12 step, it can be quite healing. The belligerence becomes less, the anger and resentment start to recede. It really started getting better when my husband went to Buddhist meditation, part of the spirituality component of the 12 step that he really wanted to embrace since he is non-religiious. Focusing on taking responsibility for his own state of mind has really helped him. He is also 51 and was tired of his past behaviors and how much of a toll they took on him. It all seems fun until one of the whores calls the wife… honestly though, the recovery process has been painful, but he says it is nothing like what he felt when he came down from his SA high.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey, being in a similar situation with my H having numerous affairs and many many women on his lunch and drinks agenda we came to an agreement very early post DDay, which is only 18 months ago. That agreement being that he will no longer have any female friends. Sure he can have conversations with female business colleagues but he has to know there is a boundary. No lunches with women. No drinks with women. No friendly texts or emails. It is hard for him because he has been a flirtatious bastard all his life and now because of being found out he hardly knows how to react to women. I watch him in social situations and he almost runs away if he is approached by a woman. At first I thought how sad he feels,that way but hen I thought bugger him. He has stuffed up so it is up to him to relearn how to socialise with women without flirting.
    It is all about you now and what he needs to do is make sure you are feeling safe and secure.

    Liked by 2 people

    • He kept fighting me on it and finally I just said, “Is there a reason you don’t want to give me what I need, even if you are “solid” in your recovery? Why are you fighting me on this? You should want to do anything to help me.”

      He is so blind and he’s a long way from recovery.

      Like

  5. Thank you for your blog and your candidness. You articilate so well everything I’ve been thinking throughout my 2 year long nightmare of finding out I’m married to a serial cheater (though not a sex addict from what counseling can tell). I commend all of you who manage to live with your spouses during this roller coaster through hell. I kicked my husband out when I discovered that the one affair I had discovered and spent 14 months trying to work through, was actually only the tiniest tip of the iceburg.

    My WH is in the combative, angry, won’t-accept-responsibility-for-anything stage and I’m encouraged to hear that it’s possible for them to come out of that. I’m feeling pretty hopeless at this point. I kicked him out a year ago and the anger has been non-stop since then except for brief periods where he thinks he’s going to get to come back home. He won’t hear or understand why my anger peaks again and again every time he gets caught in a new lie. Just 2 weeks ago, he failed a polygraph and subsequently had to admit to yet another affair- an affair that started days before dday 1 and continued for MONTHS into our “reconciliation.” But now, if I bring that up, my pain, my devastation, if I tell him how fucked up a man I think he is, all I hear is that I’m not trying to communicate, I only care about punishing and “shaming” him. No, asshat, I’m just pissed and in disbelief and shock and horror that the man I’ve been with for 20 years and have 4 children with, is not the man I thought I married and capable of more deception than I knew was possible. But it’s always all about him and his fragile feelings….. Makes me want to let out a primal scream.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I feel you on the found out more. Mine was found out with last whore, then copped to another one – or threw me a bone he said – a one night stand. We were also in “reconciliation” during the two months he was still communicating with last whore and even after that even though he failed to tell me about the provisos 19 years. He thought he could just “start fresh” in himself. He wasted so much fucking time. He prolonged my suffering, which I am still mightily pissed about.

      If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now – I would have made him leave the home. It might have helped me distance myself from him, which would have been better for me. I think you were brave to kick him out. The ONLY think that stopped me were my kids. One has significant special needs and my cheater is a horrible husband but a hands on father and if had moved out, MY life would have been made exponentially harder with him out of the home.

      I hope yours comes around or I hope you realize in time to leave him and begin a new life without him. If mine wasn’t doing all he needed to, I know now, he would be out. I really faced that at disclosure. He had to pass that or we were done. I feel for you.

      I wouldn’t be in therapy with someone who was belligerent to me. I’d be over done on that.

      Like

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