Round and round we go.

So we began our CSAT directed weekly “check-in” and it was as expected, I guess. It’s weird these check-ins because we’re basically saying, “Were you a good boy, The Player? Did you do everything that was asked of you?” I mean, I guess he wants to check-in so that I know what work he is doing, but fuck, this shit is getting old.

The Player told me where he was in his sobriety in working with his sponsor, if he’d had any acting out or potential acting out and the answer is no, he hasn’t. You know, he says. I mean, he’s a confirmed liar, right? I mean 20some years of lies and all of a sudden he’s going to be honest and trustworthy. He would say, yes, exactly that. He said he won’t risk me again, he won’t risk our marriage. He wasn’t thinking. He didn’t think THAT behavior and our marriage would merge.

The Player went on for a bit about how he is focused on why and on the prevention of acting out. Super, that’s a fucking good start, asshole. He also said he wrote a response to my impact letter and he hoped I was okay with it but he feared it wouldn’t be “right.” Whateverthefuck that means. I told him where I was in my recovery (still fucking pissed I have to be in recovery, but whatever.) and how I’m doing pretty well in staying out of his shit. The spying has stopped, the double checking has stopped. I had one occasion that made me uncomfortable as a result of him being out in a bar for several hours with a friend watching a game but I didn’t go down the rabbit hole too far. I told him I’m having one problem with his and my differences on his “relationships.” My problem is he doesn’t really see them as relationships. He saw them as sex and that his bad behavior started then not in the “grooming” of them to later become sexual partners because that wasn’t his intention in the years leading up to the sex.

What the fuckity fuck? You read that right. He doesn’t consider the flirting friendships with the later affair partners as “relationships” and doesn’t even find them that significant. He goes on and on with sentences that begin with, “In my recovery, I am focusing on the most important thing and that is how not to let myself get to a point where I flirt like that.” Really? Is that my new life? Wondering if my husband can restrain from getting ego kibbles from homely women he know will say yes?

This is so fucking far from where I should be or where my life was (I thought) or where I want to be.

So far our check-ins have only made me more pissed. As if that is possible.

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3 thoughts on “Round and round we go.

  1. This is such a long process (I hate when my husband says that because I feel like he is making excuses for not moving faster, but it is true, it does seem to take them forever to “get it”). I feel like I could have written these same words months ago. Actually early on I witnessed him grooming and he still denied it. They are delusional and just trying to get by until they get further along in the recovery and the recovery is so damn slow, but I guess it has to be for them to really change those thought processes and habits. Going through this though, watching them behave like bumbling fools, is so tiring. The fourth step, if they take it seriously, is a huge deal. I noticed a lot of progress during this whole step 4, 5, 6 time period. So many days I do feel like screaming and running away. They do say the stupidest shit and somehow to them, it sounds good?

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    • You make excellent points CK and I NEED for you to keep saying these things to me. I need for you to keep reminding me that he’s a mess and what I’m going through is (my new) normal. Deal?

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      • Absolutely, deal! But I’m telling you, this new normal takes A LOT of getting used to. I was so disappointed in my husband after his fifth step. My expectations are too high and sometimes out of whack. I think he needed to be done with it for the day and I wasn’t. I didn’t know how difficult it was going to be to have him going through everything in front of strangers (to me) while I was off trying to go about a normal day. I hate this process, but it has to be done in my opinion for there to be any chance at recovery for him. He wasn’t all emotional on Tuesday when he arrived home from the step, but yesterday, he cried half the day. He even petted my hair and said, “Why did I do it? Why did I fuck with my perfect life?” OMG, it is so difficult for us to match up our emotions. When I want him to be all gooey and touchy feely, he isn’t… and when I am trying to be a normal functioning (52 YEAR OLD!!!) he is a puddle of mush. Calgon, take me away from all this shit. Today is better… and he went on some anti-anxiety medicine about a week ago. Not sure if that is doing anything. I hope you guys are well and things aren’t too fucked up around your house. ❤

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