A couple of days ago I had a much-needed, great, very long session with my counselor. I was able to really break it down with her why I’m all over the place since detaching. I finally was able to break it down so it was understandable to The Player what I’m willing to do and what I’m not willing to do, and why. I got into a conversation with The Player. I don’t understand which part I am not clearly speaking but because I had just been to therapy, I think I was articulate. Again.
I don’t feel safe in a marriage with him because while he has answered the WHY he is the way he is, he hasn’t addressed the issues inside himself. He’s still the same person who “couldn’t say no” when whore number 1 invited herself on several trips of his on and off over the years (sidebar: what kind of woman does that? Allows herself to be used like that?). I’m not comfortable in a marriage with him until he can answer the HOW NOT TO, which, according to him, is about his need to be admired and adored. What stops him from needing that from scores of women? Hence his switch to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. It’s probably a better fit, because we know it could have been any vagina and there wasn’t even that much sex, even when the opportunity arose.
I told him his lack of empathy – which he says he has but has a hard time communicating – isn’t getting better. I’ve been actively talking about it since January. He says things like, “It must be hard to…” add any ending to that like, “…help me with this because of what I’ve done to you.” I said it was a damn good start but it sounds canned to me. Branch out, mutherfucker.
Regarding the empathy piece, any number of the last seven months it would have been easy to do one tangible thing and that was to write a response to my impact letter. He hasn’t done it, even though I’ve asked for it and our MC/his CSAT has said it would help me. A couple of months ago he made some remark in counseling about how I hold everything he says, “against him” by bringing it up over and over. What the fuckity fuck!? You say something and I don’t get to refer back to it in order to voice a concern or make a point? That’s just whack. I know part of it is referring to something he said about the affairs being like baseball – something to get him away from his life, an escape. I absolutely have referred back to it, because it’s so fucked up, even I can’t believe it. Something that obliterated my life was like “going to a baseball game.”? Well, sorry Player, you did say it. He now says I misconstrued it. I’m sorry, I must be missing something. Like half of my brain, because that literally makes NO sense.
I said I would gladly jump feet into reconciliation if he could address those things plus tell me what program he is working. It can be 12 step, but doesn’t have to be as long as his CSAT agrees it would be good for him and I have a way to measure how he is doing. He said after the last couple of weeks and doing some more digging, he now believes his is a sex addict and wants to do 12-step.
This is not complicated, is it? He will either do it or he won’t. If he does, great, I think with annual polygraphs (the polygrapher mentioned if he has to come back, it’s a sign the marriage hasn’t healed, to that I say fuck you polygrapher) I would feel safe enough to continue to be married to him in what the kids would consider what they had, which was loving parents in a loving marriage.
He mentioned it bothered him I wasn’t in therapy to work on issues as they arise. I said there isn’t a point unless he answers the above or it’s a waste of time and money. I added that I feel like he’s been taking for 20 years and I’m going to get what I want moving forward. No compromise. If he doesn’t do the work, that is his choice and I can live with it but I won’t live without what I need. I have given him two years to get on track and since fall he’s been working on the WHY? That’s a helluva long time to learn you have daddy/women/self-esteem and confidence issues. I could have told him that after one week with his counselor.
Wait a second. I did tell him that almost two years ago.
But seriously Player, take your time.