In a couple of days we attend therapy together.
By all appearances we are doing well. Unfortunately, there are nagging details in my head which prevent me from jumping off the cliff into true reconciliation. This sucks on so many levels.
My list of shitty actions missing:
- He never responded to my impact letter. Our CSAT told me it would help me to write it and him to respond to each point and well, he hasn’t done it yet. I am sure he won’t do it unless I say something else. Fuck that. I’m not saying a thing. Let’s see how long that takes, shall we?
- The post below recounts The Player’s lack of action on the 12 step program and his commitment to finding out if it can work for him. Or not and coming to me with what will work for him.
- As noted, his lack of surrendering to the 12 step program and his lack of belief in it even though his CSAT says it will benifit him pisses me off because I perceive this as arrogance, which never helps recovery.
- His recent white lie.
- Recognizable empathy from him.
- I’m still finding it difficult to let go of the fact that after discovery he was still in contact with Ground Zero Whore making plans to get together to fuck all the while telling me he was working on us.
- He relies on me for check-ins.
- No tight circle of friends in recovery.
- No escape/emergency plan for triggers.
- I struggle with knowing he might be at (his) capacity and my need for more.
I wonder if it’s time to read over the explaination and worksheet of a Healing Separation again.
I wonder if I’m at an impasse.