It is well established that I am not a patient person. I do not like limbo because I think, “What’s the point?”
I am doing my best to hang in there for my kids’ home while he slowly works to “fix” himself. I know this is a big thing to navigate, the thing where you took the person who trusted you most and you completely disregarded her and fucked her over, I get it. I get that it’s going to take a while to figure out the whys of his shitty choices or the hows he could do this shit to me. I get that it’s “only” been five months since full disclosure but it was over a year before that when I learned who he really was. He’s had over a year to get to the point to come clean. That means he had plenty of time to start figuring things out, right?
The only thing is that he didn’t take that year to figure things out in his head. He spent all those months hiding the Big Dark Secrets. He spent a long time doing nothing. Standing still, while over a year was wasted. Fucking wasted time.
Another fucking year was taken from me in addition to the two decades. Over 20 years of him making decisions for me. Insult to fucking injury, I tell you.
What say you?
He took away my chance to be with someone who would have treated me with respect.
He took away the chance for me leave him before we had kids. My life could have been completely different.
He took away my security after two decades of devotion to him.
He took my love, devotion, care taking, sex and companionship – which was a privilege to have by the way – and treated it all like it was insignificant to him, like I am insignificant.
I feel like a fool. I feel like he fucking played me. I don’t think The Player is playing me anymore but I sure feel like this healing of the marriage and my healing specifically is on his fucking schedule. It’s a schedule that is too slow for me.
How do I reconcile that? The Player can’t answer it. The CSAT can only say I need to work on being where I am now. Accepting where I am. Which is no closer to reconciliation than it was on full disclosure day.