Broke it for years.

I didn’t break it, I can’t fix it.

I don’t know where I saw that but I typed it in notes on my phone, which makes me think it was online somewhere on a forum or sex addict spouses’ group’s website.

I didn’t break it but I sure have to fucking deal with the fix, don’t I? I resent the fuck out of him. How do I get over that? The CSAT says over time, the pain, which is a gapping, open wound, will one day scar over. I’ll know it’s there because I can see it and feel it, but it won’t be painful anymore.

He also said something I remember well. He said I won’t really be out of turmoil to a place of any type of healing until 24 months from full disclosure.

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

Remember I’ve already had almost a year and a half since he admitted a slip, an affair, nothing, he said. So if you add that year and a half to the two years the CSAT said it would take me to find my footing, it’s three and a half years of me and our marriage in limbo. Three and a half years in a marriage I don’t want with a husband who treated me so badly that it’s hard to believe sometimes. Three years in a marriage watching and waiting for him to “recover” from his fucked up “addiction” (or character problem).

I’m not sure I can’t do it. The Player is asking me to do it, to give him just this one chance to make it right, to fix himself, to be the kind of husband I thought I had and the kind of person he wants to be. I want to do it, I just don’t think I can.

My resolve changes all the time, this week I think, “I”m fucking done with this shit.”

That is where I am today and probably tomorrow. Probably next week it will change again. I’m just noticing I’m in the “I’m done!” a lot more lately. 

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