Too good.

I’m too good for him.

That sounds fucking horrible doesn’t it? Righteous. I’ve only said that out loud to a couple of people to hear but I said it sort of kidding but I really wasn’t kidding.

I’m not kidding. I’m too good for him. The ironic thing is when he had his fucking fake persona I thought HE was too good for me. He came from a stable family without huge issues, his parents stayed married, he was raised in a church he attended weekly for his whole life, he was a “good” guy, he was successful, caring, smart and if I look closely, insecure at times with his own ability. Not often did he let that show. He was the hero in my family, the one who bailed out his sisters and my brothers if needed.

When I was speaking to someone who also has a cheating, liar, “sex addict” for a husband but way farther down the road in recovery, I told her, “I know it sounds bad and I know I’m not perfect, but…. (pause), I really think I’m too good for him.” She said, it was no doubt, I am, but that has nothing to do with figuring out if I’m going to stay with him or not. If he fixes his sorry fucked up ass maybe I wouldn’t be too good for him, but right now I am. Face it.

Once in therapy we were talking about how one of the whores ended up on a business trip, hiding in his hotel room for four days and how another whore met him for a couple of days at a resort on the way to a business trip. Yeah, I thought he was working. He was a mutherfucking Player. He pleaded that it really wasn’t what I thought, that he hadn’t “invited” them to come, they just sort of just ended up there after saying, “Why don’t I come?” and he didn’t say no. Recently, he said about the many other women who adored him, “I couldn’t say no to them or they might not adore me any more. I just couldn’t say no.” I told him I had to disagree with that because for the past two fucking DECADES he’s said no to me, basically saying FUCK YOU WIFE, NO, YOU DON’T GET WHAT I PROMISED YOU. He’s said NO to monogamy. He’s said NO to character and morals. He very much was fast and hard when he said FUCK NO to our marriage vows.

We’re all broken in our own way, I suppose. It’s his broken ass that has really fucked me up, from the core. The very foundation of everything I believed in is gone. Never to return. Now people – him, therapists, other betrayed spouses – talk about new beginnings, opportunities to grow, fresh starts, forgiveness and having a “deeper” marriage than before. Fuck that and the fucking betrayal they rode in on.

I was pretty happy in the one I thought I was in, minus the inauthentic, fucking liar cheater, “sex addict,” of course.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Too good.

  1. Let the anger out sister!! Feels good sometimes. You’re right, I don’t know you but you seem to me to definitely be too good for him. BUT that being said, that doesn’t chang your love for him. I wish it did. Many times I would say “I wish I didn’t love you, I wish I hated you so that I could not hurt so bad & just walk away” but that’s how I know how much I truly love her, how badly it hurts. I don’t feel I’m too good for her, I’ve fucked up too, not to this extent, but in our years together I feel she was the “better”… so I know we’re both good for each other but damn it for the infidelity & bad choices!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. THIS: “I wish I didn’t love you, I wish I hated you so that I could not hurt so bad & just walk away” is IT exactly!

    My question though… do I love him or the idea of him – who I thought he was?

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s