I’m too good for him.
That sounds fucking horrible doesn’t it? Righteous. I’ve only said that out loud to a couple of people to hear but I said it sort of kidding but I really wasn’t kidding.
I’m not kidding. I’m too good for him. The ironic thing is when he had his fucking fake persona I thought HE was too good for me. He came from a stable family without huge issues, his parents stayed married, he was raised in a church he attended weekly for his whole life, he was a “good” guy, he was successful, caring, smart and if I look closely, insecure at times with his own ability. Not often did he let that show. He was the hero in my family, the one who bailed out his sisters and my brothers if needed.
When I was speaking to someone who also has a cheating, liar, “sex addict” for a husband but way farther down the road in recovery, I told her, “I know it sounds bad and I know I’m not perfect, but…. (pause), I really think I’m too good for him.” She said, it was no doubt, I am, but that has nothing to do with figuring out if I’m going to stay with him or not. If he fixes his sorry fucked up ass maybe I wouldn’t be too good for him, but right now I am. Face it.
Once in therapy we were talking about how one of the whores ended up on a business trip, hiding in his hotel room for four days and how another whore met him for a couple of days at a resort on the way to a business trip. Yeah, I thought he was working. He was a mutherfucking Player. He pleaded that it really wasn’t what I thought, that he hadn’t “invited” them to come, they just sort of just ended up there after saying, “Why don’t I come?” and he didn’t say no. Recently, he said about the many other women who adored him, “I couldn’t say no to them or they might not adore me any more. I just couldn’t say no.” I told him I had to disagree with that because for the past two fucking DECADES he’s said no to me, basically saying FUCK YOU WIFE, NO, YOU DON’T GET WHAT I PROMISED YOU. He’s said NO to monogamy. He’s said NO to character and morals. He very much was fast and hard when he said FUCK NO to our marriage vows.
We’re all broken in our own way, I suppose. It’s his broken ass that has really fucked me up, from the core. The very foundation of everything I believed in is gone. Never to return. Now people – him, therapists, other betrayed spouses – talk about new beginnings, opportunities to grow, fresh starts, forgiveness and having a “deeper” marriage than before. Fuck that and the fucking betrayal they rode in on.
I was pretty happy in the one I thought I was in, minus the inauthentic, fucking liar cheater, “sex addict,” of course.