Detached Marriage

There isn’t a way to detach from the chaos of the “sex addict” and hang on to the marriage. It is not possible for me because in order to detach from the addict I have to back out of a lot of discussions that could benefit the marriage.

I have a lot of things to say and The Player was right, they are bubbling to the surface waiting to explode in his fucking face. I have a lot of questions still about the timeline of the affairs and some details of the affairs and the people, most of which I knew or knew were work colleagues. I want a few more details, mostly on timing and money.

I’m detached now mostly from discussions, except for a therapy visit a couple of times a mont and don’t feel I can ask him about details anymore. Then, I remember a condition of his staying in the home was to work a 12-step program and I don’t think by definition he is “working” is very hard. He goes to weekly meetings and has only reached out to his sponsor three times that I know of in four months although they do see each other weekly at a meeting but not before or after as to work on any of the steps.

Do I have the right to find out what is happening with his 12-step program of recovery? Or is that crossing the line of detaching that I’ve put in place?

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9 thoughts on “Detached Marriage

  1. I personally think you have every right to know everything he’s doing and saying. You need to know he’s trying, he’s progressing. How will you know if your efforts are worth all this if you don’t know he’s putting in the effort too. Sadly, we all define things differently and his definition of “work” may be different from yours. Sometimes they’re doing the best THEY can but it’s definitely not up to our standards, and rightly so. I’ve learned this a lot, how different we are. How her thinking and mine is nothing close. How she views one thing is completely opposite of my views. And this is only due to the infidelity. Otherwise, our views and opinions were often in sync but this topic, there is no eye to eye.

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    • You are so very right, it isn’t up to my standards. I told him at our last MC with CSAT that I wasn’t sure he was doing enough, even though I believed he was doing all he could. I questioned if he was even a deep enough person to get all of this over time. CSAT assures he can, but knows he’s very broken and has a long way to go. He says it’s going to get worse before it gets better for him.

      Great. Just great.

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      • Ugh… how can things get worse in this situation?! Sorry he is that broken but maybe it will clarify some things. I know they’re all broken in a way, but why break us too??? Good luck dear, hold tight and keep strong.

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  2. You have the right to know everything. He has no right, if he wishes to remain married to you, to make telling you the TRUTH an EASIER thing. He did AWFUL things *against* you. It exists. He knows it does. And you have ALWAYS deserved to know, immediately. And even beforehand.

    Dragging it out over the course of months and YEARS of agony and doubt and feelings of unworthiness is – frankly – unacceptable. HE doesn’t deserve kindness, after all this… it’s YOU who is DUE all the kindness he can even remotely offer (and giving you the TRUTH you weren’t allowed to know is only a START, if he really means what he says)… and he already knows what he has to say.

    He just needs to DO it.

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    • I’m sorry to sound so harsh… but this is hitting so close to home and I wish I’d known to HAMMER this shit THIS hard out of him sooner. I told him I needed it all and he thought I’d be okay with less. I wasn’t. And I knew it, all the time. “This is NOT all of it.” And it wasn’t. I so knew it wasn’t and I let him get away with telling me bits. I was afraid. It makes me so MAD, in retrospect.

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      • You do NOT have to say you’re sorry for sounding harsh here, please. You sound as harsh as is your and my reality. Sometimes it’s good for us to see what other think from the outside. I love blogging for a lot of reasons but that is at the top of the list.

        I’m just so tired…tired of it all. I hate that he did all of this (20 years!) and I have to deal with the fallout. I’m so pissed about that and it alone makes me want to run for the hills.

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    • You are right, it is all my right to know. I just didnt know if I backed off if it was fair to say “okay now I want to know this” and it is fair. I get to know any damn thing I want.

      He is totally willing to sit down, in fact he wanted to have official sit downs to discuss this stuff 3 times a week. I said no to that bullshit. I felt like he was controlling how I am doing my healing, you know? All of a sudden back then, I realized he wasn’t even talking to his SAA sponsor. At all. He was going to one meeting a week to listen to stories, but working a program? No.

      Since detaching 6-7 weeks ago, I’ve enjoyed not having these discussions but I know I have to do it again because I can feel it bubbling to the top again.

      Conversed with therapist (his) and he said I have a right to know where he is in the 12 step program (my biggest question right now honestly) because “working” a program was part of the arrangement for him to stay in the home. We have to define “working” because his definition of “working the program” is very different from mine from alateen and alanon. Very. I get the sense the therapist wants to talk about this as well. Next session I guess!

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