At therapy recently his (our?) counselor focused a lot on the negativity The Player has surrounding everything. He’s always been an Eyeor, a kind of glass half-empty kind of person. I’ve always been more chipper, more a glass half-full kind of person. I’ve thought about that a lot, both while sitting in the therapist’s office as well as once we left his office and made the drive home and back to work.
We had a dance, The Player and I. The dance involved my supporting him and his existing in a form of chaos, while not really thriving on it. He certainly loved relishing in the successes out of the chaos. It fed his ferocious need for ego boosts, which turned out to be impossible. Feeding that need also resulted in finding, the flirting, the chasing, the sex, the knowing he could fuck them anytime he wanted and not lose them, the obsessing about women he met or saw, and to the always rotating “hit list” (in two tiers including one list of women he visually liked and thought and fantasied about and one list of women he was trying to move to full affair status or would have if he had the slightest of chances) was trying to fill the ever-fucking-present hole in his soul.
It’s not possible to fill that, though. It’s never possible to fill a hole in unauthentic ways. You can’t fill it with stuff, or vagina’s or raises or praises. You can’t fill it with getting your ego stroked or your dick sucked. You can’t get it from your partner’s praise and love and support. You can’t get it from buying sex or watching porn. Those are all temporary highs.
It comes from within. No matter what happens to us or around us, we are responsible to take care of ourselves and fill our own emptiness. Not anyone else. You get it by loving yourself, being kind to yourself and others, by giving and receiving with grace, by helping others, by figuring out what moral, legal and safe pleasures feed us. We feel good about ourselves when we feed ourselves in healthy ways, not in destructive ways.
The Player has a lot of the hole of emptiness to fill. I don’t know if he has it in him and I can’t do it for him. Honestly, I don’t know if he can. I do not know if I will be around to find out if he can do it.