I had an appointment with our counselor and we talked about many things but the one thing I am thinking about since that appointment is about our marital roles and how I reconcile our different authenticity in our two decades of marriage.
I am not perfect. I am independent in a lot of ways and dependent in some. I like to problem solve and that was annoying sometimes. I have an active social life so I was not sitting around waiting on The Player, which I think sometimes he resented although I am grateful I didn’t sit around waiting on him because, well, I needed my social circle. I have some idiosyncrasies that aren’t too much fun to put up with but The Player was giving on those areas just like I was on several things.
I was also a faithful partner. I was a great wife and mother. I was a supportive, dedicated partner who was kind and loving. I was sexual with him and happy around him. I built a warm and loving home for him and our children. I worked hard to advocate for our child who needed it and supported all of the kids through learning their way in the world. I took on all of the household responsibilities so he could focus on work although I worked as well but had a flexible schedule therefore allowing me to take care of the home, gladly. I have never been resentful for being a wife and mother and The Player would tell you he agreed with me on those items.
He went through the same motions. The Player had things I had to put up with too, like he takes a very long time to make a decision. He is methodical and it drives me crazy but I’m also grateful. He wasn’t a very deep thinking person with a lot of emotions but he made up for it by expressing his feelings in cards occasionally. He always wrote how much he hoped I would know how much he loved me by his actions. You see how that worked out for me.
He was also a great provider and father, an excellent lover and supportive husband. He was thoughtful about how his actions impacted me and our children. He had a great sense of humor – even though not always appropriate – got us through some very hard times. He does the more manly things around the house. He just takes care of them. He’s thoughtful with things like filling up my gas tank, getting me coffee intuitively, meeting me at the car with an umbrella when my car pulls up at home, that sort of thing.
We had a deep respect for each other and it showed. Except where our vows and fidelity were concerned I guess.
Do his betrayals that covered our entire marriage negate the good points? This is a reoccurring theme, obviously. I told him it is hard to think about him in all the loving ways because of the betrayals during our entire marriage. If I gave everything and had a good marriage and he didn’t it sort of negates a lot of it for me. The Player was talking about how he was 90% good and 10% bad in our marriage (referring to the cheating as 10%). I started to explain that the 10% doesn’t seem like much but honesty, trust and fidelity are at the foundation of a marriage and without them the 90% is just nothing. It’s ruins the 90% for me.
It turns out our therapist had a great analogy about what I was trying to say and that is that if there was a lake and it was 90% pure and clean and 10% of it was toxic that it spoils to entire lake until more good water is put into or all of the water goes through a filter to clean it. That statement was exactly what I was trying to say.
. The therapist says that it depends on The Player. It seems to him that he has the desire to do the work and he has started but it’s about to get very, very hard so we will see truly what he is willing to do.
Currently our marital roles are the same in the motions, meaning we are doing all the same things without the feeling and commitment behind it (for me anyway). The Player is going to have to do some fucking good water filtering in the next few months to make a difference for me.
Because I’m starting down the road of indifference with a marital role of ex wife.