Our marital roles.

I had an appointment with our counselor and we talked about many things but the one thing I am thinking about since that appointment is about our marital roles and how I reconcile our different authenticity in our two decades of marriage.

I am not perfect. I am independent in a lot of ways and dependent in some. I like to problem solve and that was annoying sometimes. I have an active social life so I was not sitting around waiting on The Player, which I think sometimes he resented although I am grateful I didn’t sit around waiting on him because, well, I needed my social circle. I have some idiosyncrasies that aren’t too much fun to put up with but The Player was giving on those areas just like I was on several things.

I was also a faithful partner. I was a great wife and mother. I was a supportive, dedicated partner who was kind and loving. I was sexual with him and happy around him. I built a warm and loving home for him and our children. I worked hard to advocate for our child who needed it and supported all of the kids through learning their way in the world. I took on all of the household responsibilities so he could focus on work although I worked as well but had a flexible schedule therefore allowing me to take care of the home, gladly. I have never been resentful for being a wife and mother and The Player would tell you he agreed with me on those items.

He went through the same motions. The Player had things I had to put up with too, like he takes a very long time to make a decision. He is methodical and it drives me crazy but I’m also grateful. He wasn’t a very deep thinking person with a lot of emotions but he made up for it by expressing his feelings in cards occasionally. He always wrote how much he hoped I would know  how much he loved me by his actions. You see how that worked out for me.

He was also a great provider and father, an excellent lover and supportive husband. He was thoughtful about how his actions impacted me and our children. He had a great sense of humor – even though not always appropriate – got us through some very hard times. He does the more manly things around the house. He just takes care of them. He’s thoughtful with things like filling up my gas tank, getting me coffee intuitively, meeting me at the car with an umbrella when my car pulls up at home, that sort of thing.

We had a deep respect for each other and it showed. Except where our vows and fidelity were concerned I guess.

Do his betrayals that covered our entire marriage negate the good points? This is a reoccurring theme, obviously. I told him it is hard to think about him in all the loving ways because of the betrayals during our entire marriage. If I gave everything and had a good marriage and he didn’t it sort of negates a lot of it for me. The Player was talking about how he was 90% good and 10% bad in our marriage (referring to the cheating as 10%). I started to explain that the 10% doesn’t seem like much but honesty, trust and fidelity are at the foundation of a marriage and without them the 90% is just nothing. It’s ruins the 90% for me.

It turns out our therapist had a great analogy about what I was trying to say and that is that if there was a lake and it was 90% pure and clean and 10% of it was toxic that it spoils to entire lake until more good water is put into or all of the water goes through a filter to clean it. That statement was exactly what I was trying to say.

. The therapist says that it depends on The Player. It seems to him that he has the desire to do the work and he has started but it’s about to get very, very hard so we will see truly what he is willing to do.

Currently our marital roles are the same in the motions, meaning we are doing all the same things without the feeling and commitment behind it (for me anyway). The Player is going to have to do some fucking good water filtering in the next few months to make a difference for me.

Because I’m starting down the road of indifference with a marital role of ex wife.


2 thoughts on “Our marital roles.

  1. So much that you have written in this post applies to me too. We’ve been married for 26 years and much of that time we have been happy and my husband has been a good husband…. but then there’s the infidelity. In the aftermath of finding out the full, horrific, truth (2.5 years ago) I felt like our entire marriage was contaminated. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling differently. But slowly, in the last couple of months, things are settling out and I am starting to see that our entire marriage is not destroyed, and that I can still have some happy memories of our pre-affair marriage. Trust me, I still have days when I think he is the biggest asshole in the world and that our entire marriage has been a farce… but those days are fewer now.

    The way I see it is that my husband/me/our marriage all have layers. My husband has layers that are wonderful: he is a great father, he is very good about helping around the house, he has a wonderful sense of humour, we enjoy the same things, he is generous and kind…. on the other hand he also has some really awful layers: he can be insanely selfish, he can lie with a straight face, he can be dishonest…. The way I see it, his bad layers don’t negate his good layers, they are just a part of the whole. And they are a part that he is working very hard on in therapy (if he wasn’t I wouldn’t still be here!)

    In the same way, our marriage has good layers and bad layers – we have great fun together, we love cooking together, eating out, walking, geocaching, travel, we have a good sex life, we spend masses of quality time together… and then there are the bad layers – the infidelity, the betrayal, the deceit, the lies and the dreadful aftermath of the infidelity, the communication skills that weren’t always that great… BUT as far as I’m concerned, the bad layers don’t trash the good layers. (Even in the midst of the infidelity, we had good times – hard to believe, but true…) I don’t know if this will make sense to anyone but me, but that’s the way I see it. Our marriage has suffered a terrible blow, but the good is still good and we are working incredibly hard to fix the rest. I don’t doubt that there will always be scars, I don’t think you can suffer like this and come away scar-free… and it takes an awful lot of time to heal, but I really believe that if you are both fully invested, it is possible to salvage the good and fix the bad.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hope I can talk about the good layers or the clean or almost clean water someday…I’m under 6 months out of full disclosure and a year and half out from the beginning. I feel like I should be farther along because I’ve been in this for 18 months but really just six from the real rebuilding.

      I want it to work but I haven’t gotten to the place you are. Also, The Player had been cheating our entire marriage so I’ve never been in a relationship with just him and he with just I. I’m super skeptical that he can do what he needs to. He isn’t that deep! Time will tell and I’m so bad at waiting.


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