At any given point in the day thoughts come to me about the affairs or our marriage that I want answered by The Player. Of course, I’m not talking to him about the affairs or us and so, this has been hard but is getting easier. As I have these thoughts, I jot them down in the notes app on my phone for another day or for never, if that’s how this all plays out.
The notes stare at me some days, begging to be read out loud to my cheating, liar husband and he would gladly take any questions from me now that he knows the difference between talking about us and not talking us.
He is worried – as he should be – about us not talking about us or working on us in therapy together. At least once or twice a day he mentions in someway how uncomfortable he is with this arrangement because he believes I am pulling away from him and our marriage. I usually reply, “Oh well. Sorry.” When he talks about being uncomfortable, I’m tempted to pull out my list on my phone and get back into a deep discussion with him until I remember how peaceful it’s been since I made this decision.
I’ve been at peace. I think I am in limbo but a friend reminds me that making the decision not to be entangled and to detach is making a decision to be out of limbo and to be at peace. Being at peace is a pretty good place to be at after the months and months of being jerked around first by his lies, then his decision to omit, then by his decision he doesn’t have the “capacity” to do what I need in order to heal our marriage.
We all have decisions to make. I’m no longer living at the whim of a decision by The Player. Those days are done.