Things I Never Thought I’d Say

There’s this on going list of things I never thought I’d say. Since the morning I found out that my asshole, liar husband – The Player – was an asshole, liar husband, I’ve said a lot of things I can’t believe had to come out of my fucking mouth.

“Are you having an affair?” (complete with phone throwing)

“I need to make an appointment for an STD panel.”

“I can’t believe you and any one of your whores didn’t give me something besides heartache and pain.”

“So, do we have an agreement? You quit fucking people and I continue to not fuck people until we decide what to do with our marriage.”

“I can’t believe you just said, “It wouldn’t be the end of the world if we got divorced.””

“So, basically you’ve been cheating our entire marriage.”

“So, I guess congratulations on passing your polygraph test.”

“Yay! My husband passed a polygraph! I know about all of the multiple affairs he’s had dating back 20 years!”

“Wait. So you have a list of women that you obsessed about that you would have gone after to fuck and then there’s a secondary list that you obsessed about probably wouldn’t have gone after to fuck. That is seriously fucked up.”

“Remind me why I should stay married to you…”

“I can’t believe this is my life.’

“You’ve left me two shitty options, I just have to figure out the less shitty one.”

“Sorry, but yes, the dates do matter to me because silly me, it does matter if you fucked someone on our anniversary.”

“Seriously? I’m sure they’d love to know you picked them because they were homely and that’s how you knew they’d say yes.”

“All the books say, if we split, you have to tell the kids you did some things that were very dishonest and hurtful to me and our marriage and that is why you have to leave the home.”

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