Dear Affair Partner

Hi Affair Person,

You don’t know me, but I know you really, really well..  How weird is that?

I’m WH’s (wayward husband’s) wife, xxx, and I want you to know that this week-end I asked WH to move out.  You’re probably thinking that this has nothing to do with you, well you’re wrong.  This has everything to do with you.  For the last 8 years I have tried every single thing in my power to get over your affair with WH and I can’t.  I want you to know that.  

For the last eight years you have been living inside my head making me feel useless and ugly and sad.  For the last eight years everytime I am happy for a moment your voice inside my head reminds me that WH slept with you.  Everytime WH touches me I have the image inside my head of him touching you.  Everytime he has sex with me your voice inside my head tells me you are so much better at it than me.  Everytime he tells me he loves me, I imagine him saying that to you.  Everytime I look in the mirror you are there telling me I’m not thin enough, or pretty enough, or sexy enough.  Everytime he tells me he is sorry for sleeping with you, your voice whispers that he actually enjoyed every minute of it.  Everytime he goes to work I picture him flirting with you.  Everytime he has to sleep away from home I imagine him sleeping next to you.  And it kills me, or rather I wish it did, because I would rather be dead than live like this.  It sucks every bit of joy out of my life.  So finally last week I realised that I couldn’t go on like this, I realised that the pain of living with WH is probably worse than the pain of living without him and this weekend I asked him to move out.

You’re probably wondering why it took me 8 long years to figure this out – it didn’t, in fact it took me exactly one second to figure it out.  The very moment that WH admitted that he had slept with you I knew that my marriage was destroyed, but I stayed with him and I tried so hard to fix it, to put all the broken pieces back together.  Why?  Because I wanted my daughters to have the lovely, happy family that I never had and because I love the stupid man.  I genuinely love him.  He may not be “hunk of the month” and he may be the most unromantic man that ever roamed the planet, but I love him and I dreamed of getting old with him.  Not going to happen.  Not only did you steal all those nights with him, when he slept in your bed instead of mine, you stole my future with him.  And I need you to know that.  

What you and WH did destroyed my dignity, it stole away my self-esteem and it made my children more miserable than I ever wanted them to be.  You have to understand that.  

After the affair, when you moved on I stayed right there, stuck in that moment, picturing my husband having sex with you.  And I’m still there and you know what?  I will always be there.  My marriage will never recover from what you and WH did to it and I will never recover from what you did to me.  I will never be truly happy ever again.  So I hope the sex with WH was mind-blowingly orgasmic.  I hope it was the kind of sex you will never forget.  Because I never will.  I hope that sex was worth every single moment of pain my daughters and I have had to go through in the eight years since then and will continue to go through forever.

So why am I sending you this email, what am I hoping to get from it?  I certainly don’t want, expect, or need an apology.  You are not a very nice person, so I don’t believe you are sorry for what you did. I don’t want, expect, or need a response to this email, because nothing you or WH ever say or do can erase what you did.    What I am hoping is that the next time a married man asks you for sex you will take a moment to think about it, you will remember this email and you will say NO.


This is the first letter as part of a series of letters from betrayed spouses to affair partners and submitted for publication. Here is information to submit a letter to be published. 

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